I guess that makes me an indoor owner

Can someone tell me—what’s an outdoor cat? I just don’t understand the concept.

Person A: Oh that’s such a cute cat. Is it yours?
Person B: Oh yea, she’s my cat. That’s Charlotte. But she’s an outdoor cat.

That makes sense to some people? Let’s try this:

Person A: Oh, that’s such a cute squirrel. Is it yours?
Person B: Oh yea, that’s my pet squirrel Linus. But he’s an outdoor squirrel.

How the hell is an animal a pet if it always stays the hell outside? Someone might say, ‘Oh, well I feed it and pet it and make sure it has water every day.’ Wow, that’s mighty big of you, ma’am. If I drop a peanut on the ground on Park Avenue and a pigeon picks it up, did it just become my pet pigeon? Am I now obligated to drop a peanut on the ground every day for this rat with wings? Does this mean that I can claim a duck as my pet if I throw some Wonder Bread crumbs in a water hole at a golf course?

‘Oh, that? That’s just my pet duck Woody. But he’s an outdoor duck.’ Fuck me, he better be … unless your name is Joey and your roommate is a guy named Chandler.