1) We are all fat Americans. I know this better than most, as I have been permanently retaining my ‘holiday weight’ for, oh, about five years now. But have you ever noticed that portions everywhere have been getting bigger and bigger, and even less and less expensive? That helps. Just witness all those commercials on TV for Friday’s, Chili’s, Applebee’s, etc. Come on down to Bennigan’s for a SEVEN-COURSE MEAL for TWO, for only $9.99! Everywhere, that is, except the movies. I’m sorry but my box of Junior Mints, which includes a grand total of 12, is now like $5! True, a medium soda is like 44-ounces, but it’s also like $6! From now on I’m skipping the Milk Duds and bringing in a bucket of KFC; with a coupon I can get a 12-piece for $4.99. Say it loud, I’m fat and I’m proud!
1a) And you know what? Thanks for putting those calorie counts on menus now. Yea, they’re a deterrent. I appreciate the reminder that I’m a fat ass when I go to Ranch-1. You know what? Sometimes you just want some friggin Ranch-1!!!
2) Do convenience stores really need signs on them that say, “We Sell Beer,” “We Sell Cigarettes.” Really? You don’t say?! It’s not like I went in there for some alfalfa sprouts and nice guest towels.
3) This has irked me for years now: I absolutely CANNOT STAND the tourists that come to New York City, go down to Ground Zero, and stand in front of that pit, smile arm-in-arm, and take a picture. I’m sorry, but this ain’t Six Flags motherfucker! You ain’t standing in front of the churro stand! It’s like the Vatican. Go down there, take a look, soak it all in, and leave with your memories. You don’t need a picture for posterity of Uncle Bob standing in front of that fuzzy green fence with a crane in the background. Have some respect!
4) I’ve mentioned this before, but style just irks me. You gotta wear what’s flattering on you, not what’s hot at the moment. Slim Fit pants for overweight women? Are you kidding me? No one would want to see my ass dressed like Russell Brand, trust me. If your size reaches double digits--if you're shopping in Lane Bryant--that should be a clue that Slim Fit just ain't for ya, honey. I’m not saying the bigger ladies gotta cover themselves in mumus (actually I secretly am), but be real. Slim fit ain’t for you, honey, just like the media spotlight ain’t for Christine O’Donnell.
5) These ads for pharmaceuticals have passed the point of sanity. I don’t need 90 seconds of information on Vagisil. The last 30 seconds alone on the side effects are enough to make me stop eating my dinner. And how about that name—Vagisil? Vagisil? Who came up with that? Let’s just call it what it really is: Vagina Fungus Fixer. What the hell kinda woman is gonna go to her doctor and be like, “Yea my cooter is itching sooo bad. Gotta get me some Vagisil!” Couldn’t they have named it like Comfortex or some neutral shit like that? I mean if simple red nail polish can be called “Day at the Beach” then someone coulda come up with a better name for Vagisil. Fire that marketer immediately.
6) Isn’t Country Fried Chicken Salad the biggest oxymoron on a menu? Get a salad if you’re in a light mood, fried chicken if you want crap. It’s like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke. Like going to a baseball game but just staying at the bar. Makes no sense.
7) Wanna witness one of the most unique places on earth? Spend some time in a vet’s waiting room. Wow! Interesting people, petowners. There’s the single guy with the overweight Pug, who surprisingly look alike. There’s the crazy cat lady who reads The New York Times to Bootsie. There’s the guy who is 5’3” with the two enormous, killer pit bulls (obviously compensating for something). There’s the old lady, probably widowed, who dresses her Maltese in a Burberry sweater—that matches her’s. Yet they can all wax poetic on the daily routines of their animals. Highly recommended people-watching destination, trust me.
8) What the heck is a ‘whole grain?’ It is on the packaging of EVERY consumer product now. Does anybody have any idea what it is? Are there half grains? I’m supposed to think Chocolate Frosted Cookie Crisp is good for kids because they have 2 grams of whole grains? Kiss my ass. It’s cookie cereal! It ain’t Shredded Wheat. How could it possibly be for good you? Here, try my chocolate-caramel-M&M-covered rice cake. Your kids’ll love it. Half the calories of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s! And with 4 grams of whole grain! Yea, and Lindsay Lohan was sober the whole time.
9) It is official that subway riding sucks. It’s as comfortable as watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents. But you try to get off a crowded subway carefully. You try not to push anybody or step on anyone’s feet. You say excuse me repeatedly. Nobody moves. Fuckin’ iPods. Fuckin’ Kindles. Nobody hears you, no one even sees you! From now on I’m shoving ass and taking toes!
