Two Thumbs Down

It bothers me that movies cost $13.50. It bothers me that most of them are in 3-D and that you HAVE to pay for it in 3-D, yet most movies BLOW in 3-D. It bothers me that a small popcorn costs $6.50, when it costs the movie theater about 10 CENTS for the entire product. It bothers me that a small drink is like 48 ounces. For a SMALL! This is one reason why we are fat in America. It bothers me that a Dasani water is $4.50—and you have no choice but to pay it because most theaters don’t even offer a small anymore, just the large. Forget being ‘green’ for a second, it bothers me that the movies don’t blast the air conditioning like they used to. Especially in the hot-ass summer. Especially after I waited 20 minutes on line—outside—to get in. Why the hell else am I paying $13.50 to see a movie? To cool down, dick! It bothers me that the theaters keep getting bigger and bigger, the tickets get more and more expensive, and the screens get smaller and smaller. A few inches smaller and my living room TV will be the same damn size!

It bothers me that movies don’t even start on time anymore. It bothers me that I have to watch 20 minutes of commercials for Coca-Cola and TNT dramas that I fast-forward through on my home TV and that I’ll never watch anyway. It bothers me that half the previews that are shown in the theater are already playing on regular TV. It bothers me that when the pre-show crap finally ends and the movie should begin no one is ever there to start the projector so you’re stuck, waiting, wasting even more time because no one is ever there to push play.

It bothers me when inconsiderate people leave their jackets and bags on empty chairs. People sit in the aisles during a crowded showing because of these people. It bothers me when parents bring their kids to R-rated movies. It bothers me when parents bring their children to PG-rated movies at night. I’m sorry but your six-year-old should be sleeping by then, not watching Toy Story 3 in 3-D (which, incidentally, cost you an arm and a leg … and $6.50 for popcorn!). It’s even worse when these horrible parents let their kids run amok all over the theater. Some people should need a license to have kids, I’m telling you. And I want the authority to hand them out!

It bothers me when people text throughout the show. Bothers me to no end. Put the friggin’ phone down for two hours! I’m sorry, but Laqueshia getting her hair did for 11 hours is news that can wait! It bothers me when grandpa can’t hear squat, can’t follow along, so every five minutes he screams to his wife to explain what just happened to him. It bothers me when parents let their kids just keep on crying during the movie, instead of taking them outside. Hey, I screamed my head off during Black Beauty when I was young, but you know what my mom did? Took me to the damn lobby!

It bothers me when people kick my chair throughout the whole show. It bothers me when someone gets up during the movie and puts their hand on the back of my chair to steady themselves with no realization that they just threw me off balance and made me spill my 48-ounce SMALL drink on my lap! It bothers me when people are bad armrest sharers. Seriously, even if you are 412 pounds, you do not have the right to both armrests. Fat ass, learn how to share! It bothers me when you have teenagers behind you that don’t shut the fuck up. (And, yes, I realize I was one of them once.) And it bothers me when people refuse to throw their garbage out when movie theaters have garbage cans EVERYWHERE now. The cleanup is what makes me stand out in the damn heat for 20 minutes. Because Mr. Fat-Ass-Texter-Who-Won’t-Shut-The-Fuck-Up refused to throw out his 64-ounce drink and TUB of popcorn.

But mostly it bothers me that I still like going to the movies. However, I buy my tickets at Costco now: $15 for two tickets. That’s my little stick-it-to-the-man play.

Hairballs and fruit salad

There's a contest in my house to see who could shed the most hair ... between my wife and my cat. I'm not complaining; my wife's hair smells like fruit salad, and I have a very cool Siamese cat. But like in a Dashboard Confessional song: their "haaaaair is eeev-reee-wheeeeeerrrrreeeee!" I have cat hair on my underwear, because he usually sleeps in my underwear drawer, and I have my wife's hair in my underwear, because we wash our clothes together and it just gets inside there. It's a mystery of (probably not so complicated) physics.

But the cat is curious. You know that old observation where a dog will immediately stick his head out the window of a moving car but turns away if you blow in his face? Why is that? My cat, like most of 'em, loves running water. So we always let him drink from the faucet. He has a bowl of fresh water that sits on the floor for him every day, next to his food. But does he drink from it? Rarely. But if we left the toilet seat up he makes a beeline for the bowl. Why the hell is that? So strange. And friggin' disgusting!

Women ... can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up. Cats ... well, just don't really have to live with 'em ... if it weren't for the women!