Ever have one of those mornings? Just one of those mornings when everything goes wrong? Maybe you ran out of milk for your cocoa puffs. Maybe the dog pissed on the carpet again. Maybe you accidentally broke that ugly vase your wife loves. One of those things by themselves wouldn’t bother you too much, or throw you too much off your morning routine, but when one disaster snowballs after another it just fucks up your day. You can’t recover. Maybe you’ve been up for 26 minutes but you know the rest of your day is just fucked.
So be it.
Maybe you got up, showered, shaved. But you cut yourself. It won’t stop bleeding and you get blood on three of your wife beaters. Fuck. Then, suddenly, last night’s dinner isn’t sitting so well. You are showered, dressed, got the tie all perfect, but guess what? You gotta take a shit. Fuck! (Nothing is worse than that. You feel dirty for the rest of the day, no matter how many times you baby wipe.) Now you’re in a rush so you run to the kitchen to grab a granola bar as you head out the door but you kick over the cat’s food bowl and water dish. It’s all over the damn place. Now you have to stop rushing and clean up the cat’s stuff. God dammit!! Fuck shit fuck!! Nothing goes right. I hate those mornings.
Your day doesn’t ever get any better from then on, does it? You are destined to hate every one and every thing that comes in your path. And is there anything worse when you’re already revved up than people? God I hate people. Stupid, annoying people. I hate how they don’t hold the elevator for you, or how they have absolutely no idea that you're walking behind them on the sidewalk desperately trying to walk around them. But worst of all, what might throw your or me or anybody over the edge, is the damn conversations; the small talk.
Why is everyone so BORING?!?!? You get on the elevator at work—and you probably see the same exact faces at the same exact time every day—and inevitably that older woman brings up the weather. Every day! It’s supposed to be 46 today. But it looks like rain this weekend. Gee, thanks lady, yea, I watched "Good Day New York" too. Or maybe the elevator is stopping at every floor. What does someone inevitably say? Must be a local. Aaaaaaaaaah! Then there’s always that 23-year-old, just-outta-college-this-is-her-first-job girl who talks to other 23-year-old just-outta-college girl and what does she say? I’m sooooo tired! Honestly, shut the fuck up. You left at 5:30 p.m. yesterday, immediately went out after work with your other annoying girlfriends, drank too many fruity drinks in a tall glass and stayed up too late. Of course you’re tired. Or, maybe it’s just the fact that it’s 8:30 in the morning! You're yawning already, you haven’t had coffee yet. You. Are. Not. Helping!
It never ends. You get to the office and the fat guy asks you if you saw the Knicks game last night. Of course not; you haven’t watched a Knicks game on TV since 2001. Then the boss’s secretary, who is usually a sweetheart, wants to talk about American Idol. Look, they all suck this year, just admit it. You still haven’t gotten to your desk yet when a colleague tells you some bad news which you know will keep you at work later than you had planned. And what does he say, after delivering this news? It is what it is.
Here’s what it is: I cannot stand people. I really should live on an island somewhere.
Hey, by the way, did you see "Lost" last night?
