I saw something dangerous, disgusting and infuriating on my way to work today. As I was walking south on Lexington, just past Bloomingdale’s there was a spread-out pile of fresh dog shit just laying right in the middle of the sloping part of the sidewalk … you know, the part that’s sloped to make it easier to walk on … where EVERYONE steps. I mean, thank G-D I saw it at the last second, because if I stepped in dog shit at 8:30 in the morning I woulda been pissed like Jennifer Aniston at her success with men.
The culprits were either an old man walking two Scotties just a few steps in front of me, or this yuppie couple walking a Shih Tzu about one block ahead. The guy was dressed like a sailor from Love Boat and the girl was dressed in those skin-tight running pants from Lululemon or wherever. I may have been blinded by her ass for a quartermillisecond until I realized I was still steaming about the shit.
Either way, I swear, if I had stepped on it, I would have backtracked, found Mrs. Yuppie, taken my shoe off, and wiped it on her shirt! Hey, shit for shat is what I always say.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Mosquing the Real Problem
In a departure from my usual rants and raves on everyday things I cannot stand, today I write about a serious issue that is bothering me greatly. Thanks for understanding and reading.
About seven or so years ago I was rear-ended by a cab. It was about 4 a.m., torrentially pouring and I was heading home to Long Island in my car filled with four friends (I was the DD). We were heading north on 6th Ave. in the West Village, traffic was slow because the rain was blinding, and the cab slammed into me. The hit was hard enough to jolt us, and it caused about $3,000 worth of body damage, but luckily we were all fine, no one was hurt.
What made the accident happen? Was the driver tail-gaiting? Was he driving too fast, especially considering the conditions? Or was he simply not paying attention? Whatever it was, he hit me. It was all his fault and there was no other way it could be. We went through insurance and I got my money to fix my Jeep. That cab driver couldn’t blame it on the particular piece of pavement, or on my left front tire, or even on the rain. He simply fucked up and rear-ended me. End of story.
I have been terribly disturbed, but mostly disappointed, by all this talk regarding the Mosque that is in development near the Ground Zero site in Lower Manhattan. Let me be clear: I have NO problem with it. And anyone who objects to its right to be erected where it is planned is just wrong. This isn’t a matter of opinion, or of sensitivity. In this case there is only one correct opinion—and that is to support the right to build the Mosque.
This country was built—literally built—around the idea of religious tolerance, religious freedom. Heck, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean to start their lives in the New World on the premise that they would be able to worship without oppression. Our Founding Fathers considered freedom of religion one of the inalienable rights; this coming from brilliant men who strongly felt religion had absolutely ZERO place in matters of the state. (Don’t believe me? I can show you page after page of quotes from Jefferson, Franklin, Washington that prove me right.)
The naysayers we see on TV and on our streets every day are those who claim to be so patriotic, to love this country so much. Yet by protesting, by fighting in such a spiteful matter, they are basically spitting on the colors of our flag, and all it stands for, and all who died for it. Objecting to the building of this house of worship is Un-American.
Since when did we become a country of exclusion? Unless you can trace your ancestors back to Jamestown or to those that rode on the Mayflower, then your roots came from somewhere else. Oh, you’re still a citizen, but your origins lie elsewhere. See, in some ways we are Americans, but in other ways we are all visitors to this country. Think of the issue this way: What if the President was assassinated by a man with the last name of Sorrentino? Should we all boycott eating at pizzerias for the rest of our lives? Why punish all Italians—or, for that matter Italian-Americans—for the sins of one individual … who happened to have Italian roots?
Building this Mosque does not in any way whatsoever insult the memories of those who died on 9/11. In fact, the blatant affront to our Constitution that is this fight against building it is the bigger injustice to those that died. It means the terrorists won in changing the American way of life. Which has always been their sole objective anyway. It's not suffering; it's making us different.
Let me pose this another, more poignant way: If the Klu Klux Klan was to blame for the destruction of the Twin Towers, would we be objecting so vehemently to a Church being built a few blocks from the site? No, of course not. We’d celebrate it. We’d speak of the power of religion being able to overcome such horrors that come to affect man. We’d applaud the construction of a new house of worship. We’d see it as integral to the healing process. We wouldn’t punish the Christian religion as a whole by fighting to keep a Temple of God away from a tract of land where 3,000 people died. It would be considered the right thing to do; it would help us move on.
Why are we doing the same to Muslims? Why is all of Islam taking such blame? It was a few raindrops, not the rain, and more people need to understand that. Look, I’m Jewish, middle-class, educated. I realize that Islam did not hijack two planes to crash into the Towers on Sept. 11—a rogue group of extremists did. They are to blame, not their religion. To hell with them, I hope they are punished for all of eternity. No fucking 72 virgins for you guys! But you know who shouldn’t be blamed? Hakeem Olajuwon. He’s a Muslim. He’s also an American citizen. And he had nothing to do with this. And he certainly does not deserve any dirty looks and unjust thoughts just because he shares a belief system with certain criminals. People are entitled to worship how they want in this country, wherever they want. Lower Manhattan is no different. Islam is no different.
The KKK is to Christianity what Islamic Extremists is to Islam. Remember that.
If you want to be upset, fine. If you think it’s insensitive, ok. Maybe it is, a little. I'll concede that. But you know what eases my thoughts on the matter? The fact that this Mosque will be the most surveilled building in the whole entire country, outside of the White House. Every level of government, from local law enforcement to the FBI, CIA and Interpol will be monitoring the activities—daily—in that Mosque. You can count on that. Shoot, that thought makes me more comfortable than the enormous run-down house-as-Mosque that my parents live by. Who the hell knows what goes on in there? (But, truth is, it’s probably nothing, and it’s really none of my business.)
Where the money is coming from is another concern. But really, you can never know where exactly the money is coming from when a building goes up. How many skyscrapers did Al Capone bankroll in Chicago? How many thieving, conniving crook investment bankers built stadiums or convention centers around the country? Point is, no matter where the money is coming from for this Mosque, at least we can spy and track what’s being done with it. Building inspectors can harp on the Mosque, making sure it’s up to code. If they want to build the Mosque in a certain way, for safety or privacy concerns, well, then the city reserves the right to review the proposal, and reject it if need be. Either way, alls I’m saying is, I’d feel a lot better about this one building than I would a random apartment in Lackawanna.
Point is, the tires didn’t cause that cab to crash into me, shoddy driving did. Islam didn’t cause the devastation in Lower Manhattan, the actions of a sad few did. I cannot and will not place blame or penalty on an entire group of people for the choices only a few make. It’s not American. It makes us look bad. In fact, it’s disgraceful. We are a country of inclusion, the benchmark of tolerance for all the world to see. “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,” remember? It’s right there, for everyone who enters this country to view the second they step foot on our soil. Nothing will make the Arabic world hate us more than this sorry act we’re in the middle of now. Americans accept. It's what makes us great.
As it stands, we’re Pizarro and we’re slaughtering the Mayans for a City of Gold that does not exist. Even if it did, well, right now we just aren’t showing ourselves worthy of finding it anyway.
About seven or so years ago I was rear-ended by a cab. It was about 4 a.m., torrentially pouring and I was heading home to Long Island in my car filled with four friends (I was the DD). We were heading north on 6th Ave. in the West Village, traffic was slow because the rain was blinding, and the cab slammed into me. The hit was hard enough to jolt us, and it caused about $3,000 worth of body damage, but luckily we were all fine, no one was hurt.
What made the accident happen? Was the driver tail-gaiting? Was he driving too fast, especially considering the conditions? Or was he simply not paying attention? Whatever it was, he hit me. It was all his fault and there was no other way it could be. We went through insurance and I got my money to fix my Jeep. That cab driver couldn’t blame it on the particular piece of pavement, or on my left front tire, or even on the rain. He simply fucked up and rear-ended me. End of story.
I have been terribly disturbed, but mostly disappointed, by all this talk regarding the Mosque that is in development near the Ground Zero site in Lower Manhattan. Let me be clear: I have NO problem with it. And anyone who objects to its right to be erected where it is planned is just wrong. This isn’t a matter of opinion, or of sensitivity. In this case there is only one correct opinion—and that is to support the right to build the Mosque.
This country was built—literally built—around the idea of religious tolerance, religious freedom. Heck, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean to start their lives in the New World on the premise that they would be able to worship without oppression. Our Founding Fathers considered freedom of religion one of the inalienable rights; this coming from brilliant men who strongly felt religion had absolutely ZERO place in matters of the state. (Don’t believe me? I can show you page after page of quotes from Jefferson, Franklin, Washington that prove me right.)
The naysayers we see on TV and on our streets every day are those who claim to be so patriotic, to love this country so much. Yet by protesting, by fighting in such a spiteful matter, they are basically spitting on the colors of our flag, and all it stands for, and all who died for it. Objecting to the building of this house of worship is Un-American.
Since when did we become a country of exclusion? Unless you can trace your ancestors back to Jamestown or to those that rode on the Mayflower, then your roots came from somewhere else. Oh, you’re still a citizen, but your origins lie elsewhere. See, in some ways we are Americans, but in other ways we are all visitors to this country. Think of the issue this way: What if the President was assassinated by a man with the last name of Sorrentino? Should we all boycott eating at pizzerias for the rest of our lives? Why punish all Italians—or, for that matter Italian-Americans—for the sins of one individual … who happened to have Italian roots?
Building this Mosque does not in any way whatsoever insult the memories of those who died on 9/11. In fact, the blatant affront to our Constitution that is this fight against building it is the bigger injustice to those that died. It means the terrorists won in changing the American way of life. Which has always been their sole objective anyway. It's not suffering; it's making us different.
Let me pose this another, more poignant way: If the Klu Klux Klan was to blame for the destruction of the Twin Towers, would we be objecting so vehemently to a Church being built a few blocks from the site? No, of course not. We’d celebrate it. We’d speak of the power of religion being able to overcome such horrors that come to affect man. We’d applaud the construction of a new house of worship. We’d see it as integral to the healing process. We wouldn’t punish the Christian religion as a whole by fighting to keep a Temple of God away from a tract of land where 3,000 people died. It would be considered the right thing to do; it would help us move on.
Why are we doing the same to Muslims? Why is all of Islam taking such blame? It was a few raindrops, not the rain, and more people need to understand that. Look, I’m Jewish, middle-class, educated. I realize that Islam did not hijack two planes to crash into the Towers on Sept. 11—a rogue group of extremists did. They are to blame, not their religion. To hell with them, I hope they are punished for all of eternity. No fucking 72 virgins for you guys! But you know who shouldn’t be blamed? Hakeem Olajuwon. He’s a Muslim. He’s also an American citizen. And he had nothing to do with this. And he certainly does not deserve any dirty looks and unjust thoughts just because he shares a belief system with certain criminals. People are entitled to worship how they want in this country, wherever they want. Lower Manhattan is no different. Islam is no different.
The KKK is to Christianity what Islamic Extremists is to Islam. Remember that.
If you want to be upset, fine. If you think it’s insensitive, ok. Maybe it is, a little. I'll concede that. But you know what eases my thoughts on the matter? The fact that this Mosque will be the most surveilled building in the whole entire country, outside of the White House. Every level of government, from local law enforcement to the FBI, CIA and Interpol will be monitoring the activities—daily—in that Mosque. You can count on that. Shoot, that thought makes me more comfortable than the enormous run-down house-as-Mosque that my parents live by. Who the hell knows what goes on in there? (But, truth is, it’s probably nothing, and it’s really none of my business.)
Where the money is coming from is another concern. But really, you can never know where exactly the money is coming from when a building goes up. How many skyscrapers did Al Capone bankroll in Chicago? How many thieving, conniving crook investment bankers built stadiums or convention centers around the country? Point is, no matter where the money is coming from for this Mosque, at least we can spy and track what’s being done with it. Building inspectors can harp on the Mosque, making sure it’s up to code. If they want to build the Mosque in a certain way, for safety or privacy concerns, well, then the city reserves the right to review the proposal, and reject it if need be. Either way, alls I’m saying is, I’d feel a lot better about this one building than I would a random apartment in Lackawanna.
Point is, the tires didn’t cause that cab to crash into me, shoddy driving did. Islam didn’t cause the devastation in Lower Manhattan, the actions of a sad few did. I cannot and will not place blame or penalty on an entire group of people for the choices only a few make. It’s not American. It makes us look bad. In fact, it’s disgraceful. We are a country of inclusion, the benchmark of tolerance for all the world to see. “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,” remember? It’s right there, for everyone who enters this country to view the second they step foot on our soil. Nothing will make the Arabic world hate us more than this sorry act we’re in the middle of now. Americans accept. It's what makes us great.
As it stands, we’re Pizarro and we’re slaughtering the Mayans for a City of Gold that does not exist. Even if it did, well, right now we just aren’t showing ourselves worthy of finding it anyway.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Riding off into the Non-Sunset
We’ve come a long way since prehistoric man inventing the wheel. Native Americans learned to hollow out tree trunks to make canoes. Sailing moved from Viking longships to the Spanish Navy to Old Ironsides to German U-Boats to Royal Caribbean hotels-on-water.
Then came the horseless carriage. It was steam-powered until Henry Ford invented what we know to be the modern automobile. Now our cars have Wi-Fi, navigation systems, crumple zones, more cupholders than a movie theater and can even parallel park themselves.
Man had been obsessed with flying for a millennium until the Wright Brothers took off from Kitty Hawk, N.C., in 1903. Only about 20 years later, Charles Lindbergh made a solo transatlantic flight. By World War II FDR made this country into a war factory. He mandated we produce 50,000 aircraft for battle in Europe. We failed. Our plants made 100,000. Fast-forward to modern times and we have planes with Stealth technology, Internet connections and beds! (And if I were a rapper or NBA star I’d probably have my own!)
So tell me, why-oh-why does our rail system stink so badly? Locomotive technology, on tracks as we know them today, came to prominence in the 1820’s—and they haven’t made a lick of progress since! Oh, the trains are pretty now; they have electronic voices and maps and ergonomic seats. But putting our fancy new trains on our old ass tracks is like putting wagon wheels on Ferrari. If there’s a cloud in the sky they are slowed to a halt, like a baseball game.
Name me one instance when it rains or snows that you are not delayed on the LIRR, Metro North, New Jersey Transit, Path or Subway? You can’t. Because they suck! Every … single … time it rains the trains are delayed. In nearly 200 years we have not developed the technology to make our trains capable of running on wet tracks, yet there are disposable underwater cameras? I had a friend who dropped her cell phone in the toilet and it was still working the next day. Sure it smelled like piss, but it made calls!
There are major delays on the LIRR today, as I write this, at 4 p.m. on Monday. What is the cause of such delays? A track fire. That’s right, a fucking track fire. Fire! On the tracks! In the middle of the pouring rain! How the FUCK does that happen?? It’s as baffling to me as the popularity of Justin Bieber. It’s like farting out the smell freshly baked cupcakes. Some things should just not happen.
This is just great, because I know, when I leave work here today, I’ll be stuck on an overcrowded, wet, slippery subway, where someone will inevitably sneeze all over me, and I’ll have a woman’s bag jabbing me in the ribs and I won’t be able to finish my book because I won’t be able to lift my arms. So I will prepare for this by doing two things: A) Putting on my iPod and B) making sure I look really pissed off.
Oh, don't worry, it comes naturally to Mr. Sinister.
Then came the horseless carriage. It was steam-powered until Henry Ford invented what we know to be the modern automobile. Now our cars have Wi-Fi, navigation systems, crumple zones, more cupholders than a movie theater and can even parallel park themselves.
Man had been obsessed with flying for a millennium until the Wright Brothers took off from Kitty Hawk, N.C., in 1903. Only about 20 years later, Charles Lindbergh made a solo transatlantic flight. By World War II FDR made this country into a war factory. He mandated we produce 50,000 aircraft for battle in Europe. We failed. Our plants made 100,000. Fast-forward to modern times and we have planes with Stealth technology, Internet connections and beds! (And if I were a rapper or NBA star I’d probably have my own!)
So tell me, why-oh-why does our rail system stink so badly? Locomotive technology, on tracks as we know them today, came to prominence in the 1820’s—and they haven’t made a lick of progress since! Oh, the trains are pretty now; they have electronic voices and maps and ergonomic seats. But putting our fancy new trains on our old ass tracks is like putting wagon wheels on Ferrari. If there’s a cloud in the sky they are slowed to a halt, like a baseball game.
Name me one instance when it rains or snows that you are not delayed on the LIRR, Metro North, New Jersey Transit, Path or Subway? You can’t. Because they suck! Every … single … time it rains the trains are delayed. In nearly 200 years we have not developed the technology to make our trains capable of running on wet tracks, yet there are disposable underwater cameras? I had a friend who dropped her cell phone in the toilet and it was still working the next day. Sure it smelled like piss, but it made calls!
There are major delays on the LIRR today, as I write this, at 4 p.m. on Monday. What is the cause of such delays? A track fire. That’s right, a fucking track fire. Fire! On the tracks! In the middle of the pouring rain! How the FUCK does that happen?? It’s as baffling to me as the popularity of Justin Bieber. It’s like farting out the smell freshly baked cupcakes. Some things should just not happen.
This is just great, because I know, when I leave work here today, I’ll be stuck on an overcrowded, wet, slippery subway, where someone will inevitably sneeze all over me, and I’ll have a woman’s bag jabbing me in the ribs and I won’t be able to finish my book because I won’t be able to lift my arms. So I will prepare for this by doing two things: A) Putting on my iPod and B) making sure I look really pissed off.
Oh, don't worry, it comes naturally to Mr. Sinister.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Random Thoughts: Volume IV
1) I know the MTA is as broke as MC Hammer, but its service is ridiculous. My MetroCard keeps costing more and more and yet I’m waiting longer and longer for a train. I rode four separate lines this past weekend: the E, F, 2 and 4. I waited on the platform between 15 and 20 minutes for each! I’m sorry, are the cars being pulled by oxen? It is impossible to plan your travel accordingly in New York anymore because you have absolutely zero way of predicting when the hell you’ll be lucky enough to get on a damn train.
2) And who are these people that choose to stand right next to you on an empty subway platform? You have endless empty space in which to stand, yet you choose to stand 3 feet from me? You clearly must have wanted to read that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World movie poster very badly. Either that, or you’re a raving lunatic psychokiller. Move the fuck over!
3) I hate those people who hesitate before going onto an escalator. It’s an escalator, not a fire pit! You’re not stepping over rattlesnakes. Keep the lines moving please. Your 1.5-second hesitation causes me to bump into your sweaty ass and the guy’s briefcase behind me to nail me on the back of the knee. I can only assume you’ve had at least 30 years to master the art of the escalator mount, yet you still fail. Go drown yourself.
4) Street sweepers are useless. They only succeed in widening the surface area of the filth in New York City streets. They just spread the slime around. Have you ever noticed that it usually smells WORSE after they sweep than before? (And for those of you too dense to get that—I’m talking about the trucks, not the nice men and women who clean our streets out there.)
2) And who are these people that choose to stand right next to you on an empty subway platform? You have endless empty space in which to stand, yet you choose to stand 3 feet from me? You clearly must have wanted to read that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World movie poster very badly. Either that, or you’re a raving lunatic psychokiller. Move the fuck over!
3) I hate those people who hesitate before going onto an escalator. It’s an escalator, not a fire pit! You’re not stepping over rattlesnakes. Keep the lines moving please. Your 1.5-second hesitation causes me to bump into your sweaty ass and the guy’s briefcase behind me to nail me on the back of the knee. I can only assume you’ve had at least 30 years to master the art of the escalator mount, yet you still fail. Go drown yourself.
4) Street sweepers are useless. They only succeed in widening the surface area of the filth in New York City streets. They just spread the slime around. Have you ever noticed that it usually smells WORSE after they sweep than before? (And for those of you too dense to get that—I’m talking about the trucks, not the nice men and women who clean our streets out there.)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Way Back when I had the Red and Black Lumberjack
Most people dress like assholes. Now, I’m all for personal style, but things are getting too out of hand. It’s one thing to be an ‘individual;’ it’s another thing to try to stand out. Try too hard, that is. Put it this way: If you’re a dude wearing a Hot Dogger, I’m sorry, but you deserve to get mugged. By school children. Carrying mace.
Me? I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy. Throw in some fresh kicks and a cool watch and there’s my flair. If I want to be really fancy I’ll rock a polo shirt—sans alligator logo. I blend in; I wouldn’t cause anyone’s head to turn in amusement, amazement, puzzlement or revulsion.
I’m also Universal Jewish Guy height. I wear Universal Jewish Guy sizes. At the moment I’m slightly over Universal Jewish Guy weight. But if you spend even five minutes walking around Lower Manhattan you’ll find that everyone else is quite the opposite … but not typically in a good way.
Why the hell is everybody trying so hard? What happened to just dressing normal? Is our dependency on video games, social media, mobile devices and the Internet making us not care about our appearance? Or is it making us care about our appearance so much, that we choose to go out of the house looking like anything from Carrie Bradshaw to a character from World of Warcraft? Are magazines and an abundance of cable television making us spend inordinate amounts of time cultivating a certain image, whatever that may be? Look, the dude from “White Collar” is a good-looking guy, and I dig how they style him … but I also know I could NEVER pull off that Rat Pack look. I know this.
Most people fail to realize. Fat women—you should NEVER be in Capri pants. Commit that to memory. Skinny guy—stop dressing like a mid-90’s rapper; you look ridiculous. There’s style and there are trends, but just because it’s trendy doesn’t mean it‘s cut out for you. Hey, white pants ain’t for everybody, though G-D bless the ladies who can pull them off. Skinny jeans may be the most unsightly, awful, ghastly, unflattering pair of pants to pop up since Z Cavaricci's. And I’m just praying for the day that those oversized sunglasses go away. (Except not for ugly girls; you ladies keep wearing ’em. That’s less of you I gotta see in the morning light.)
My personal favorite has always been the person in the city who wears all black. They think everyone in New York City wears all black, so they’re doing what they think is the best job of blending in. (Sephora employees excluded.) Problem with this theory is, all the people wearing all black in NYC aren’t from NYC anyway! They’re just wearing it because they think everyone else in NYC—real New Yorkers—wear all black. It's a domino effect.
Then you got 80’s Person. Gotta love those people. My favorite part about 80’s Person is, most of them were in Osh Kosh B’Gosh in the 80’s, if they were even born in the decade at all. I love seeing bright purple sneakers, bad sunglasses, studded belts, a plethora of zippers and suspenders. No one should ever be in suspenders unless you are attending the Oscars. (You hear me, Larry King?)
Outdoorsy Guy is an interesting one. The dude on the subway with his North Face fleece, moisture-wicking T-shirt, survivalist shorts with 18 pockets and Asolo trail running shoes. He’s the guy eating the Clif Bar with a CamelBak on. I’m sorry, where again did you find that rugged peak within the confines of New York City? Please don’t tell me you’re the guy practicing rock climbing on the biggest boulder in Central Park. It’s only 12-feet high! Getthefuckouttahere!
Prep Superstar can be found in many places. On Fifth Ave. during the day and on the LES at night. He or she wears khakis that are never khaki, rocks Wayfarers, has a grosgrain belt with crabs on it and a gingham shirt. You'd think they exploded out of a JCrew catalog.
Goth Person just scares me. I try not to stare too much at him or her for fear their spikey dragon ring will be driven into my temple.
I love Hoodlum, because as I’ve said many times before, that style went out with Tupac. Anyone still wearing Enyce jeans 8 inches too big for them and Timberlands in the summer should be thrown off Top of the Rock. (No, wait, they don’t know what that is; they should be thrown off Bad Boy headquarters. That’ll resonate.) And don’t you love Hoodlum’s shorts? They usually fall to the bottom of their ankles. These are ‘shorter’ than what, exactly? Your prison jumpsuit?
This style is in stark contrast to Skank Girl. Otherwise known as Ke$ha. Her shorts are basically denim underwear. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I’m 30 now, so staring at a 19-year-old in these makes me look like …
Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy wears pleated khakis, a wrinkled button-down-collar shirt from Eddie Bauer, tube socks and New Balances, worn thin. There is inevitably a stain on at least one of his garments and he is carrying a bag waaaaay too big. Makes you wonder what kind of stalking material that New York Post is covering.
Gotta love The Weirdo, who we all try and avoid. There’s always The Dork in the Firefox T-shirt and jeans from JCPenney. And Techie Dude. He’s easy to spot by his Hellboy hoodie and E3 messenger bag (procured for free of course). Eco Gal’s sandals and exposed feet give new meaning to the phrase “going green.”
My personal favorite are The Blenders. The dude who tries to be Hood but 80’s, like Kanye West. Or Preppy but Ghetto, like Pharrell Williams.
From now on I won’t be so scared off by the guy in flip-flops and a trench coat. I will commend him on his minimalist approach. It is simple, yet refined; it is contemporary yet classic. And if he flashes Skank Girl, well, she had it coming anyway.
Me? I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy. Throw in some fresh kicks and a cool watch and there’s my flair. If I want to be really fancy I’ll rock a polo shirt—sans alligator logo. I blend in; I wouldn’t cause anyone’s head to turn in amusement, amazement, puzzlement or revulsion.
I’m also Universal Jewish Guy height. I wear Universal Jewish Guy sizes. At the moment I’m slightly over Universal Jewish Guy weight. But if you spend even five minutes walking around Lower Manhattan you’ll find that everyone else is quite the opposite … but not typically in a good way.
Why the hell is everybody trying so hard? What happened to just dressing normal? Is our dependency on video games, social media, mobile devices and the Internet making us not care about our appearance? Or is it making us care about our appearance so much, that we choose to go out of the house looking like anything from Carrie Bradshaw to a character from World of Warcraft? Are magazines and an abundance of cable television making us spend inordinate amounts of time cultivating a certain image, whatever that may be? Look, the dude from “White Collar” is a good-looking guy, and I dig how they style him … but I also know I could NEVER pull off that Rat Pack look. I know this.
Most people fail to realize. Fat women—you should NEVER be in Capri pants. Commit that to memory. Skinny guy—stop dressing like a mid-90’s rapper; you look ridiculous. There’s style and there are trends, but just because it’s trendy doesn’t mean it‘s cut out for you. Hey, white pants ain’t for everybody, though G-D bless the ladies who can pull them off. Skinny jeans may be the most unsightly, awful, ghastly, unflattering pair of pants to pop up since Z Cavaricci's. And I’m just praying for the day that those oversized sunglasses go away. (Except not for ugly girls; you ladies keep wearing ’em. That’s less of you I gotta see in the morning light.)My personal favorite has always been the person in the city who wears all black. They think everyone in New York City wears all black, so they’re doing what they think is the best job of blending in. (Sephora employees excluded.) Problem with this theory is, all the people wearing all black in NYC aren’t from NYC anyway! They’re just wearing it because they think everyone else in NYC—real New Yorkers—wear all black. It's a domino effect.
Then you got 80’s Person. Gotta love those people. My favorite part about 80’s Person is, most of them were in Osh Kosh B’Gosh in the 80’s, if they were even born in the decade at all. I love seeing bright purple sneakers, bad sunglasses, studded belts, a plethora of zippers and suspenders. No one should ever be in suspenders unless you are attending the Oscars. (You hear me, Larry King?)
Outdoorsy Guy is an interesting one. The dude on the subway with his North Face fleece, moisture-wicking T-shirt, survivalist shorts with 18 pockets and Asolo trail running shoes. He’s the guy eating the Clif Bar with a CamelBak on. I’m sorry, where again did you find that rugged peak within the confines of New York City? Please don’t tell me you’re the guy practicing rock climbing on the biggest boulder in Central Park. It’s only 12-feet high! Getthefuckouttahere!
Prep Superstar can be found in many places. On Fifth Ave. during the day and on the LES at night. He or she wears khakis that are never khaki, rocks Wayfarers, has a grosgrain belt with crabs on it and a gingham shirt. You'd think they exploded out of a JCrew catalog.Goth Person just scares me. I try not to stare too much at him or her for fear their spikey dragon ring will be driven into my temple.
I love Hoodlum, because as I’ve said many times before, that style went out with Tupac. Anyone still wearing Enyce jeans 8 inches too big for them and Timberlands in the summer should be thrown off Top of the Rock. (No, wait, they don’t know what that is; they should be thrown off Bad Boy headquarters. That’ll resonate.) And don’t you love Hoodlum’s shorts? They usually fall to the bottom of their ankles. These are ‘shorter’ than what, exactly? Your prison jumpsuit?
This style is in stark contrast to Skank Girl. Otherwise known as Ke$ha. Her shorts are basically denim underwear. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I’m 30 now, so staring at a 19-year-old in these makes me look like …Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy wears pleated khakis, a wrinkled button-down-collar shirt from Eddie Bauer, tube socks and New Balances, worn thin. There is inevitably a stain on at least one of his garments and he is carrying a bag waaaaay too big. Makes you wonder what kind of stalking material that New York Post is covering.
Gotta love The Weirdo, who we all try and avoid. There’s always The Dork in the Firefox T-shirt and jeans from JCPenney. And Techie Dude. He’s easy to spot by his Hellboy hoodie and E3 messenger bag (procured for free of course). Eco Gal’s sandals and exposed feet give new meaning to the phrase “going green.”
My personal favorite are The Blenders. The dude who tries to be Hood but 80’s, like Kanye West. Or Preppy but Ghetto, like Pharrell Williams.
From now on I won’t be so scared off by the guy in flip-flops and a trench coat. I will commend him on his minimalist approach. It is simple, yet refined; it is contemporary yet classic. And if he flashes Skank Girl, well, she had it coming anyway.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Lookin' Like a FOOL With Your Pants on the Ground!
Thank you, American Idol, for a stupid song I can never get out of my head. But, this guy was definitely right on. I agree 100%, as I have clearly stated in the past.
I received this in the mail yesterday. This is a completely legitimate political flier from New York State Senator Malcolm A. Smith (D-NY, 14th district).
Hahahahahahaha! This is the funniest thing I've gotten in the mail since my friend sent me a blow-up Beverly D'Angelo doll! But it also means the Senator and I see eye to eye on this. I'm gonna start walking around, all day, with my fly down and one nut hanging out. Let's see how that goes over.
I received this in the mail yesterday. This is a completely legitimate political flier from New York State Senator Malcolm A. Smith (D-NY, 14th district).
Hahahahahahaha! This is the funniest thing I've gotten in the mail since my friend sent me a blow-up Beverly D'Angelo doll! But it also means the Senator and I see eye to eye on this. I'm gonna start walking around, all day, with my fly down and one nut hanging out. Let's see how that goes over.
Anyone Ready for a Loveburger? Well done!
I have a tremendous amount of pet peeves, in case you couldn’t tell from my previous musings. I hate when people pull something I’m reading out of my hand. I hate when people blast their music out of their headphones on the subway. And I can’t stand when people comment on the food I’m eating (I have a close friend who is notorious for this). But along the same lines, I cannot stand when people are picky about their foods—what they eat, what they’ll try, how they want things prepared, or even how they modify an order. Basically I’m Harry and everyone else is Sally … and it irks me. (For the record, I married Sally; her I love.)
It is in this vein that I ask: What the hell is a well-done bagel? A steak well-done? Sure, because it is consumed immediately after being cooked. Bacon well done? Of course; hey, if you want it crispy then let it cook longer. Even if it’s cold it remains crispy. But a bagel? C’mon.
A bagel is already cooked—and usually is cool—when it is ready for consumption. A dozen or so go in the oven at the same time, so while a few may sit a teeny bit closer to the heat source, they are all pretty much cooked to the same temperature, for the exact same amount of time. They all taste the same. Maybe one has a browner spot than another, but big wup! Do you walk into a pizzeria and ask for a well-done slice? No, you just let them reheat the one up front. It’s a friggin’ bagel, man! Toast it if you want it well-done. Otherwise, get your everything with a schmear and call it a day.
It is in this vein that I ask: What the hell is a well-done bagel? A steak well-done? Sure, because it is consumed immediately after being cooked. Bacon well done? Of course; hey, if you want it crispy then let it cook longer. Even if it’s cold it remains crispy. But a bagel? C’mon.
A bagel is already cooked—and usually is cool—when it is ready for consumption. A dozen or so go in the oven at the same time, so while a few may sit a teeny bit closer to the heat source, they are all pretty much cooked to the same temperature, for the exact same amount of time. They all taste the same. Maybe one has a browner spot than another, but big wup! Do you walk into a pizzeria and ask for a well-done slice? No, you just let them reheat the one up front. It’s a friggin’ bagel, man! Toast it if you want it well-done. Otherwise, get your everything with a schmear and call it a day.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Satellite Radio Killed the Video Star (Part III)
As per TV Guide, here are more of the most popular shows on television, and where they are ranked (1 to 100). Sorry, I don’t know what criteria they used to come up with this list; there is nothing cited.
(3) So You Think You Can Dance: Known to me as "So You Think You Can Make Me Watch This Crap?" My wife used to DVR it, but thank the Lord we never have time to watch it. (Side note: Cat Deeley is the best host on TV. Her I like; but the show is about dancing! What straight man will watch this? (See No. 6 below.)
(5) Teen Mom: Where oh where did MTV make the turn to Crapville? This is certainly what I’d want my teenage daughter watching—depressed, unattractive, undereducated teen girls knocked up at 15 by horny, unattractive, undereducated teen boys. True role models. Absolutely!
(6) Dancing with the Stars: Just a snapshot of the ‘stars’ who have competed: John O’Hurley, Lisa Rinna, Tia Carrere, Shanna Moakler, Monique Coleman (I know, Who?), Shandi Finnessey (Miss USA 2004. I guess that show is still on, too), Albert Reed, Sabrina Bryan, Cameron Mathison, Steve Guttenberg (Has he made a movie since Three Men and a Little Lady?), Marissa Jaret Winokur, Cristian de la Fuente, Steve Wozniak (He’s HUGE. Nuff said.), Ty Murray, Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini (famous for showing his pee pee), Tom DeLay (Really?!), Louie Vito, Joanna Krupa, Ashley Hamilton, Buzz Aldrin (Did you see that clip of him on WWE? YouTube it.) and Kate Gosselin. (If she’s a “star,” we’re all going to hell.)
Side Note: is it really fair to the other contestants when they have people like Nicole Scherzinger, Mya and Evan Lysacek on as competitors? Come on!
(7) American Idol: It sucks now. We all know it. Let’s move on.
(10) Grey’s Anatomy: Is that the show with the skinny chick with the big tits who was in Old School? Yea, must have skipped it.
(13) Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Paris Hilton gets far less credit than she deserves. She’s a trailblazer. For instance: Rich…Check. Heir to a fortune…Check. Attractive…Check. Stupid…Check. Made obligatory sex tape…Check. Sooo upset over it getting out…Check. Turning a life of leisure that nobody in their right mind cares about into an empire…Check. Just replace Paris with Kim and you’ve got this show. I can say without hesitation that I will hate anybody who watches it.
(14) Desperate Housewives: I don’t know about you but I’m desperately waiting for this show to end! They’re in “Golden Girls” territory.
(22) Secret Life of the American Teenager: Molly Ringwold is on this; it kind of makes fun of itself. How in the HELL is this on a channel called ABC Family??? How in the HELL do the Christian nutbags out there not complain about this being on the air? It’s all about idiot teenagers having awkward sex. And getting knocked up. It’s worse than “Teen Mom” cuz some genius had to think up this fictional crap. I hope the producer’s 12-year-old has mixed-race twins as punishment!
(32) Ghost Whisperer: How did this last so long? For the record, this is not the male version of “The Mentalist.” Jennifer Love Bacon (thanks WWTDD) is not the female equivalent of Simon Baker; Blake Lively is.
(34) Family Guy: Only TV show I own on DVD. I have every season.
(38) Gossip Girl: Hate the show. Love Blake Lively.
(43) The Office: Jumping the shark + No more Carrell = Canceled.
(46, Miami; 81, Original) CSI: Hey, there’s a dead guy! Wait, I just found a fossilized sugar molecule! I know who did it—it was his middle school gym teacher! He always used to eat donuts and the dead guy used to steal them from him! Wow, thank god for all those fancy computer do-hickies. Without them we’d have definitely missed that bullet hole to the head and the confession letter left at the crime scene!
(47) Glee: Gayest. Show. Ever.
(67) Castle: First off, I couldn’t even believe this was on the list. But lemme sum up: A mystery author solves crimes with a hot cop? This sounds like porn to me. Seriously, I’m just waiting for that knock at the door of headquarters from the maintenance man …
(89) Mad Men: It is summed up easily: Men rock, women are only here for our entertainment. But I’ll watch a good hour of Don Draper taking a long drag of his cigarette, then a sip of his bourbon, then staring into space for 12 seconds, then opening his mouth to speak a five-word sentence berating a subordinate and moving on. … Now go get my coat and hat, woman!
(3) So You Think You Can Dance: Known to me as "So You Think You Can Make Me Watch This Crap?" My wife used to DVR it, but thank the Lord we never have time to watch it. (Side note: Cat Deeley is the best host on TV. Her I like; but the show is about dancing! What straight man will watch this? (See No. 6 below.)
(5) Teen Mom: Where oh where did MTV make the turn to Crapville? This is certainly what I’d want my teenage daughter watching—depressed, unattractive, undereducated teen girls knocked up at 15 by horny, unattractive, undereducated teen boys. True role models. Absolutely!
(6) Dancing with the Stars: Just a snapshot of the ‘stars’ who have competed: John O’Hurley, Lisa Rinna, Tia Carrere, Shanna Moakler, Monique Coleman (I know, Who?), Shandi Finnessey (Miss USA 2004. I guess that show is still on, too), Albert Reed, Sabrina Bryan, Cameron Mathison, Steve Guttenberg (Has he made a movie since Three Men and a Little Lady?), Marissa Jaret Winokur, Cristian de la Fuente, Steve Wozniak (He’s HUGE. Nuff said.), Ty Murray, Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini (famous for showing his pee pee), Tom DeLay (Really?!), Louie Vito, Joanna Krupa, Ashley Hamilton, Buzz Aldrin (Did you see that clip of him on WWE? YouTube it.) and Kate Gosselin. (If she’s a “star,” we’re all going to hell.)
Side Note: is it really fair to the other contestants when they have people like Nicole Scherzinger, Mya and Evan Lysacek on as competitors? Come on!
(7) American Idol: It sucks now. We all know it. Let’s move on.
(10) Grey’s Anatomy: Is that the show with the skinny chick with the big tits who was in Old School? Yea, must have skipped it.
(13) Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Paris Hilton gets far less credit than she deserves. She’s a trailblazer. For instance: Rich…Check. Heir to a fortune…Check. Attractive…Check. Stupid…Check. Made obligatory sex tape…Check. Sooo upset over it getting out…Check. Turning a life of leisure that nobody in their right mind cares about into an empire…Check. Just replace Paris with Kim and you’ve got this show. I can say without hesitation that I will hate anybody who watches it.
(14) Desperate Housewives: I don’t know about you but I’m desperately waiting for this show to end! They’re in “Golden Girls” territory.
(22) Secret Life of the American Teenager: Molly Ringwold is on this; it kind of makes fun of itself. How in the HELL is this on a channel called ABC Family??? How in the HELL do the Christian nutbags out there not complain about this being on the air? It’s all about idiot teenagers having awkward sex. And getting knocked up. It’s worse than “Teen Mom” cuz some genius had to think up this fictional crap. I hope the producer’s 12-year-old has mixed-race twins as punishment!
(32) Ghost Whisperer: How did this last so long? For the record, this is not the male version of “The Mentalist.” Jennifer Love Bacon (thanks WWTDD) is not the female equivalent of Simon Baker; Blake Lively is.
(34) Family Guy: Only TV show I own on DVD. I have every season.
(38) Gossip Girl: Hate the show. Love Blake Lively.
(43) The Office: Jumping the shark + No more Carrell = Canceled.
(46, Miami; 81, Original) CSI: Hey, there’s a dead guy! Wait, I just found a fossilized sugar molecule! I know who did it—it was his middle school gym teacher! He always used to eat donuts and the dead guy used to steal them from him! Wow, thank god for all those fancy computer do-hickies. Without them we’d have definitely missed that bullet hole to the head and the confession letter left at the crime scene!
(47) Glee: Gayest. Show. Ever.
(67) Castle: First off, I couldn’t even believe this was on the list. But lemme sum up: A mystery author solves crimes with a hot cop? This sounds like porn to me. Seriously, I’m just waiting for that knock at the door of headquarters from the maintenance man …
(89) Mad Men: It is summed up easily: Men rock, women are only here for our entertainment. But I’ll watch a good hour of Don Draper taking a long drag of his cigarette, then a sip of his bourbon, then staring into space for 12 seconds, then opening his mouth to speak a five-word sentence berating a subordinate and moving on. … Now go get my coat and hat, woman!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Satellite Radio Killed the Video Star (Part II)
Below are the top-rated Cable TV shows, week of Aug. 1, as per TV By The Numbers. (I am omitting the Disney shows. I am not a pervert.)
(2) The Closer: Chic lit brought to the small screen.
(3) Rizzoli & Isles: My working title for this show would have been Cagney & Lacy 2.0. This nostalgia trend is getting way out of hand. That being said, these two ladies act as well as Channing Tatum. (In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, that’s not a good thing.)
(4) NASCAR at Pocono: It was waaaaaay better when it was the Winston Cup. Back in the mid ’90s the crowds were just so amazing, who cared about watching the races. But then the drivers went and became rock stars and now the (so-called) sport sucks. But then again, I’m from New York, I never watched it anyway.
(7) Burn Notice: Gabrielle Anwar is beautiful. The male lead literally looks like an uncircumcised penis. All I know him from is Hitch. How do these random actors get their jobs?
(9) Jersey Shore: Snooki and The Situation are the greatest gifts to television since Ed Sullivan and Walter Kronkite. I seriously will be buying the uncensored DVDs.
(10) True Blood: It’s about thisclose to jumping the shark. But so long as there are tits in every episode I won’t complain. I’ll still watch.
(11) WWE: Toomanyjokesbrainoverloadmalfunctionmalfunction. I miss Jimmy Superfly Snooka, Koko B. Ware and The Junkyard Dog. Those were the good ol’ days.
(12) Royal Pains: I caught a preview for this show during one of those shamefully self-promoting 20 minutes that air before a movie. Seemed like a decent concept for a show. And I always liked Mark Feuerstein, cuz he just looked like that typical nice Jew that you or I or anybody would be friends with. But then he went and lost 30 more pounds and now he looks like he’s going through chemo. Someone bring that dude to Five Guys. Stat.
(14) Deadliest Catch: Awesome.
(15) Covert Affairs: Aha! We may have our Male-Version-Mentalist!
(2) The Closer: Chic lit brought to the small screen.
(3) Rizzoli & Isles: My working title for this show would have been Cagney & Lacy 2.0. This nostalgia trend is getting way out of hand. That being said, these two ladies act as well as Channing Tatum. (In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, that’s not a good thing.)
(4) NASCAR at Pocono: It was waaaaaay better when it was the Winston Cup. Back in the mid ’90s the crowds were just so amazing, who cared about watching the races. But then the drivers went and became rock stars and now the (so-called) sport sucks. But then again, I’m from New York, I never watched it anyway.
(7) Burn Notice: Gabrielle Anwar is beautiful. The male lead literally looks like an uncircumcised penis. All I know him from is Hitch. How do these random actors get their jobs?
(9) Jersey Shore: Snooki and The Situation are the greatest gifts to television since Ed Sullivan and Walter Kronkite. I seriously will be buying the uncensored DVDs.
(10) True Blood: It’s about thisclose to jumping the shark. But so long as there are tits in every episode I won’t complain. I’ll still watch.
(11) WWE: Toomanyjokesbrainoverloadmalfunctionmalfunction. I miss Jimmy Superfly Snooka, Koko B. Ware and The Junkyard Dog. Those were the good ol’ days.
(12) Royal Pains: I caught a preview for this show during one of those shamefully self-promoting 20 minutes that air before a movie. Seemed like a decent concept for a show. And I always liked Mark Feuerstein, cuz he just looked like that typical nice Jew that you or I or anybody would be friends with. But then he went and lost 30 more pounds and now he looks like he’s going through chemo. Someone bring that dude to Five Guys. Stat.
(14) Deadliest Catch: Awesome.
(15) Covert Affairs: Aha! We may have our Male-Version-Mentalist!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Satellite Radio Killed the Video Star
I happen to love sitting on my ass watching TV as much as the next guy. In fact, it's how I got my pledge name in college. I love anything on History Channel, Discovery Channel, Travel Channel, Animal Planet and Food Network. Those are old standbys that I can fall back on at any time. Of course, I have the shows I love, and then there are those networks who create original programming that I will always give a shot to (HBO, Showtime, FX, A&E, AMC, even USA). But you know as well as I do most TV sucks. Especially the fact that we are inundating our airwaves—which the American public owns—with crap. Reality Show crap.
What’s reality about this stuff anyway? Watching rich people complain about their nannies and having to fix their Mercedes? Watching 16-year-olds starving for attention get knocked up? Witnessing celebrities crying their eyeballs out because they did one too many lines of cocaine? Hoping some stranger falls in love with another stranger in front of our eyes—over six weeks of taping? Please. I don't know about you but I'd rather find something better to do with my time than stare at obese 15-year-olds.
To prove my point, here are the top 15 broadcast television shows, by Nielsen rating (adults 18-49 demo), during the week ending July 25, as published in Entertainment Weekly (rankings in parentheses). This is telling …
(1,3) America’s Got Talent: Orrrrrrrrr not. Maybe a select few. It’s amazing people stay up that late to vote for their favorites. I usually fall asleep somewhere around the 40-minute mark. The good news is The Hoff isn’t on it anymore.
(2) The Bachelorette: Slutty, desperate women; men seeking the limelight. Sounds more like Skinemax to me. Either the show should move to midnight, or “Sexual Response” and the like should begin at primetime.
(4) NCIS: Does anybody watch this show? Apparently they do. But I have 647 friends on Facebook and NOT A SINGLE ONE watches this show. Seriously, how is it popular? How has it been on so long? I can’t name a single person on it and have no idea what it’s about. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.
(5, 6) Wipeout: Brought to America by way of Japan. What else can I say about Asians: Smart as fuck, stupid as shit. They invent great stuff—TV shows, cars, electronic gadgets, etc.—and can never use anything they create correctly. G-d bless ’em. (On a positive note, MXC was awesome!)
(7) The Big Bang Theory: Nerds were funny in high school. You could laugh at the things they did, you could make fun of them for any number of reasons, you could pick on them. Now they’re just annoying. Why would I devote 22 minutes to them?
(8) 60 Minutes: What do Twinkies, cockroaches and Andy Rooney have in common? I’m certain they are the three things that will survive the Apocalypse. Rooney may not actually be on TV anymore. It may seem that way, but it may be a re-recording. Ever notice he’s always using words like “dungarees” and “valise” and railing about what Coolidge will do to halt inflation?
(9) Two and a Half Men: Actually a pretty raunchy and funny show, judging by the four times I’ve watched it. But I hate it due to the fact that little shit kid makes like $750K an episode.
(10) The Mentalist: "Baywatch" for women. How come every show that’s based around a hot girl, but is generally terrible, gets canceled immediately (think “Dollhouse”), yet crappy shows with good looking men can go on and on for years and years? Because there are a lot of lonely women out there … with massagers from The Sharper Image, thanks to Samantha Jones.
(11, 14) Big Brother 12: I know as much about this show as I do about fractal geometry.
(12) NCIS: Los Angeles: Wait, you mean there’s another one? And Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool J are in it? And you’re sure we’re not really referring to House Party VII? I’m confused.
(13) Hell’s Kitchen: If I wanted to listen to someone yelling at me for an hour I’d either hop in my DeLorean, go back to 1996, and wait for my parents to come home after Parent/Teacher conferences, or I’d just throw on some Sam Kinison. At least he was entertaining.
(15) Criminal Minds: (Hold while I look up what the hell this is … Keep holding … Ok, got it.) So what I’ve gleaned from their website is, The characters look pensive, deep in thought, trying to tap into the ‘mind’ of a killer. They wear bulletproof vests. And they interrogate—a lot. So it’s Oprah.
All I have to say is, Thank G-D for books. And Internet porn!
What’s reality about this stuff anyway? Watching rich people complain about their nannies and having to fix their Mercedes? Watching 16-year-olds starving for attention get knocked up? Witnessing celebrities crying their eyeballs out because they did one too many lines of cocaine? Hoping some stranger falls in love with another stranger in front of our eyes—over six weeks of taping? Please. I don't know about you but I'd rather find something better to do with my time than stare at obese 15-year-olds.
To prove my point, here are the top 15 broadcast television shows, by Nielsen rating (adults 18-49 demo), during the week ending July 25, as published in Entertainment Weekly (rankings in parentheses). This is telling …
(1,3) America’s Got Talent: Orrrrrrrrr not. Maybe a select few. It’s amazing people stay up that late to vote for their favorites. I usually fall asleep somewhere around the 40-minute mark. The good news is The Hoff isn’t on it anymore.
(2) The Bachelorette: Slutty, desperate women; men seeking the limelight. Sounds more like Skinemax to me. Either the show should move to midnight, or “Sexual Response” and the like should begin at primetime.
(4) NCIS: Does anybody watch this show? Apparently they do. But I have 647 friends on Facebook and NOT A SINGLE ONE watches this show. Seriously, how is it popular? How has it been on so long? I can’t name a single person on it and have no idea what it’s about. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.
(5, 6) Wipeout: Brought to America by way of Japan. What else can I say about Asians: Smart as fuck, stupid as shit. They invent great stuff—TV shows, cars, electronic gadgets, etc.—and can never use anything they create correctly. G-d bless ’em. (On a positive note, MXC was awesome!)
(7) The Big Bang Theory: Nerds were funny in high school. You could laugh at the things they did, you could make fun of them for any number of reasons, you could pick on them. Now they’re just annoying. Why would I devote 22 minutes to them?
(8) 60 Minutes: What do Twinkies, cockroaches and Andy Rooney have in common? I’m certain they are the three things that will survive the Apocalypse. Rooney may not actually be on TV anymore. It may seem that way, but it may be a re-recording. Ever notice he’s always using words like “dungarees” and “valise” and railing about what Coolidge will do to halt inflation?
(9) Two and a Half Men: Actually a pretty raunchy and funny show, judging by the four times I’ve watched it. But I hate it due to the fact that little shit kid makes like $750K an episode.
(10) The Mentalist: "Baywatch" for women. How come every show that’s based around a hot girl, but is generally terrible, gets canceled immediately (think “Dollhouse”), yet crappy shows with good looking men can go on and on for years and years? Because there are a lot of lonely women out there … with massagers from The Sharper Image, thanks to Samantha Jones.
(11, 14) Big Brother 12: I know as much about this show as I do about fractal geometry.
(12) NCIS: Los Angeles: Wait, you mean there’s another one? And Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool J are in it? And you’re sure we’re not really referring to House Party VII? I’m confused.
(13) Hell’s Kitchen: If I wanted to listen to someone yelling at me for an hour I’d either hop in my DeLorean, go back to 1996, and wait for my parents to come home after Parent/Teacher conferences, or I’d just throw on some Sam Kinison. At least he was entertaining.
(15) Criminal Minds: (Hold while I look up what the hell this is … Keep holding … Ok, got it.) So what I’ve gleaned from their website is, The characters look pensive, deep in thought, trying to tap into the ‘mind’ of a killer. They wear bulletproof vests. And they interrogate—a lot. So it’s Oprah.
All I have to say is, Thank G-D for books. And Internet porn!
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