Hairballs and fruit salad

There's a contest in my house to see who could shed the most hair ... between my wife and my cat. I'm not complaining; my wife's hair smells like fruit salad, and I have a very cool Siamese cat. But like in a Dashboard Confessional song: their "haaaaair is eeev-reee-wheeeeeerrrrreeeee!" I have cat hair on my underwear, because he usually sleeps in my underwear drawer, and I have my wife's hair in my underwear, because we wash our clothes together and it just gets inside there. It's a mystery of (probably not so complicated) physics.

But the cat is curious. You know that old observation where a dog will immediately stick his head out the window of a moving car but turns away if you blow in his face? Why is that? My cat, like most of 'em, loves running water. So we always let him drink from the faucet. He has a bowl of fresh water that sits on the floor for him every day, next to his food. But does he drink from it? Rarely. But if we left the toilet seat up he makes a beeline for the bowl. Why the hell is that? So strange. And friggin' disgusting!

Women ... can't live with 'em and they can't pee standing up. Cats ... well, just don't really have to live with 'em ... if it weren't for the women!

I guess that makes me an indoor owner

Can someone tell me—what’s an outdoor cat? I just don’t understand the concept.

Person A: Oh that’s such a cute cat. Is it yours?
Person B: Oh yea, she’s my cat. That’s Charlotte. But she’s an outdoor cat.

That makes sense to some people? Let’s try this:

Person A: Oh, that’s such a cute squirrel. Is it yours?
Person B: Oh yea, that’s my pet squirrel Linus. But he’s an outdoor squirrel.

How the hell is an animal a pet if it always stays the hell outside? Someone might say, ‘Oh, well I feed it and pet it and make sure it has water every day.’ Wow, that’s mighty big of you, ma’am. If I drop a peanut on the ground on Park Avenue and a pigeon picks it up, did it just become my pet pigeon? Am I now obligated to drop a peanut on the ground every day for this rat with wings? Does this mean that I can claim a duck as my pet if I throw some Wonder Bread crumbs in a water hole at a golf course?

‘Oh, that? That’s just my pet duck Woody. But he’s an outdoor duck.’ Fuck me, he better be … unless your name is Joey and your roommate is a guy named Chandler.