What am I?
1) Tender strips of steak, green peppers, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes and Cheddar cheese. Served with salsa and hash browns.
2) Bacon, pork sausage, shredded beef, ham, onions, green peppers and Cheddar cheese. Served with salsa.
3) Six strips of crispy bacon, a rich cheese sauce, Jack and Cheddar cheeses and diced tomatoes.
Noticing a theme here? Since when did salsa become an alternative to a serving of vegetables?
How about this: What am I?
1) A sweet cream filling, crowned with your choice of cool strawberry topping, warm blueberry or cinnamon apple compote and whipped topping. Served with two eggs, hash browns, two bacon strips or two pork sausage links.
2) Loaded with creamy, rich cheesecake pieces and crowned with cool strawberries, powdered sugar and whipped topping.
I’ll give you one hint with these last two: They are NOT desserts!
In case you were wondering, the answers are all culled from the IHOP breakfast menu and the first three are all omelettes! That’s right, IHOP fills three eggs with that crap. Unbelievable! The fourth is something called a Stuffed French Toast Combo ... also known as Puke on My Pedals, if I ate that and hit the road. Lastly, the thing with the cheesecake? Yea, that’s something called the New York Cheesecake Pancakes. You gotta be kidding me—those are pancakes?! (Take a look for yourself here.)
Where’s this all coming from? In late fall my wife and I were starving, but we were on a mini road trip and we had no choice but to stop at an IHOP for breakfast.
We sat down, looked over a menu as long as Moby Dick and, with it being breakfast time and all, decided to, you know, order breakfast. My wife ordered strawberry crepes. Who doesn’t like creps? They’re delicious. Sure, this wasn’t the Champs-Élysées but they were fine.
I decided to get one of IHOP’s “specials” (I use that term loosely). I ordered this pecan cinnamon french toast. I thought it sounded delicious, and I generally order what’s new or different on a menu. The waiter came over and took our orders. When I said I’d like the pecan french toast, he said, “And what else would you like with that?” This question puzzled me—isn’t french toast considered breakfast? He said, “Do you want anything on the side with that?” And I’m thinking, maybe some hash browns or something. He said, “No scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, ham, maybe some pancakes?” In my head I’m like, “So lemme get this straight: You’re asking me if I want pancakes on the side of my french toast???” I couldn’t believe it. Clearly in America we need fried bread, a slab of pig, enough fried potatoes to feed a Polish village and maybe even some more dough covered with butter and sugar for a meal to be considered breakfast? Adequate to give you energy for the day?
I said no to everything. I just ordered the french toast. Came with a very nice wedge of orange too, which I ate. How healthy of IHOP!
Turns out I realized where he was coming from once I received my order. My pecan cinnamon french toast amounted to two pieces. Literally one thick piece of bread cut in half. With whipped cream and syrup of course, but still, it was a small order. So in this case, I could have seen getting some scrambled eggs on the side. No matter, I ate it, it was enough, my wife and I moved on.
But that’s not the point is it? My G-d we eat crap in this country. I’m as guilty of it as any. But if I can keep vegetarian in my house for nine months now, and still be 5’9” and weight 215, what hope does does the poor motherfucker in Gulfport, Miss., or Baltimore have? Damn.
