Me? I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy. Throw in some fresh kicks and a cool watch and there’s my flair. If I want to be really fancy I’ll rock a polo shirt—sans alligator logo. I blend in; I wouldn’t cause anyone’s head to turn in amusement, amazement, puzzlement or revulsion.
I’m also Universal Jewish Guy height. I wear Universal Jewish Guy sizes. At the moment I’m slightly over Universal Jewish Guy weight. But if you spend even five minutes walking around Lower Manhattan you’ll find that everyone else is quite the opposite … but not typically in a good way.
Why the hell is everybody trying so hard? What happened to just dressing normal? Is our dependency on video games, social media, mobile devices and the Internet making us not care about our appearance? Or is it making us care about our appearance so much, that we choose to go out of the house looking like anything from Carrie Bradshaw to a character from World of Warcraft? Are magazines and an abundance of cable television making us spend inordinate amounts of time cultivating a certain image, whatever that may be? Look, the dude from “White Collar” is a good-looking guy, and I dig how they style him … but I also know I could NEVER pull off that Rat Pack look. I know this.
Most people fail to realize. Fat women—you should NEVER be in Capri pants. Commit that to memory. Skinny guy—stop dressing like a mid-90’s rapper; you look ridiculous. There’s style and there are trends, but just because it’s trendy doesn’t mean it‘s cut out for you. Hey, white pants ain’t for everybody, though G-D bless the ladies who can pull them off. Skinny jeans may be the most unsightly, awful, ghastly, unflattering pair of pants to pop up since Z Cavaricci's. And I’m just praying for the day that those oversized sunglasses go away. (Except not for ugly girls; you ladies keep wearing ’em. That’s less of you I gotta see in the morning light.)My personal favorite has always been the person in the city who wears all black. They think everyone in New York City wears all black, so they’re doing what they think is the best job of blending in. (Sephora employees excluded.) Problem with this theory is, all the people wearing all black in NYC aren’t from NYC anyway! They’re just wearing it because they think everyone else in NYC—real New Yorkers—wear all black. It's a domino effect.
Then you got 80’s Person. Gotta love those people. My favorite part about 80’s Person is, most of them were in Osh Kosh B’Gosh in the 80’s, if they were even born in the decade at all. I love seeing bright purple sneakers, bad sunglasses, studded belts, a plethora of zippers and suspenders. No one should ever be in suspenders unless you are attending the Oscars. (You hear me, Larry King?)
Outdoorsy Guy is an interesting one. The dude on the subway with his North Face fleece, moisture-wicking T-shirt, survivalist shorts with 18 pockets and Asolo trail running shoes. He’s the guy eating the Clif Bar with a CamelBak on. I’m sorry, where again did you find that rugged peak within the confines of New York City? Please don’t tell me you’re the guy practicing rock climbing on the biggest boulder in Central Park. It’s only 12-feet high! Getthefuckouttahere!
Prep Superstar can be found in many places. On Fifth Ave. during the day and on the LES at night. He or she wears khakis that are never khaki, rocks Wayfarers, has a grosgrain belt with crabs on it and a gingham shirt. You'd think they exploded out of a JCrew catalog.Goth Person just scares me. I try not to stare too much at him or her for fear their spikey dragon ring will be driven into my temple.
I love Hoodlum, because as I’ve said many times before, that style went out with Tupac. Anyone still wearing Enyce jeans 8 inches too big for them and Timberlands in the summer should be thrown off Top of the Rock. (No, wait, they don’t know what that is; they should be thrown off Bad Boy headquarters. That’ll resonate.) And don’t you love Hoodlum’s shorts? They usually fall to the bottom of their ankles. These are ‘shorter’ than what, exactly? Your prison jumpsuit?
This style is in stark contrast to Skank Girl. Otherwise known as Ke$ha. Her shorts are basically denim underwear. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I’m 30 now, so staring at a 19-year-old in these makes me look like …Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy wears pleated khakis, a wrinkled button-down-collar shirt from Eddie Bauer, tube socks and New Balances, worn thin. There is inevitably a stain on at least one of his garments and he is carrying a bag waaaaay too big. Makes you wonder what kind of stalking material that New York Post is covering.
Gotta love The Weirdo, who we all try and avoid. There’s always The Dork in the Firefox T-shirt and jeans from JCPenney. And Techie Dude. He’s easy to spot by his Hellboy hoodie and E3 messenger bag (procured for free of course). Eco Gal’s sandals and exposed feet give new meaning to the phrase “going green.”
My personal favorite are The Blenders. The dude who tries to be Hood but 80’s, like Kanye West. Or Preppy but Ghetto, like Pharrell Williams.
From now on I won’t be so scared off by the guy in flip-flops and a trench coat. I will commend him on his minimalist approach. It is simple, yet refined; it is contemporary yet classic. And if he flashes Skank Girl, well, she had it coming anyway.
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