I happen to love sitting on my ass watching TV as much as the next guy. In fact, it's how I got my pledge name in college. I love anything on History Channel, Discovery Channel, Travel Channel, Animal Planet and Food Network. Those are old standbys that I can fall back on at any time. Of course, I have the shows I love, and then there are those networks who create original programming that I will always give a shot to (HBO, Showtime, FX, A&E, AMC, even USA). But you know as well as I do most TV sucks. Especially the fact that we are inundating our airwaves—which the American public owns—with crap. Reality Show crap.
What’s reality about this stuff anyway? Watching rich people complain about their nannies and having to fix their Mercedes? Watching 16-year-olds starving for attention get knocked up? Witnessing celebrities crying their eyeballs out because they did one too many lines of cocaine? Hoping some stranger falls in love with another stranger in front of our eyes—over six weeks of taping? Please. I don't know about you but I'd rather find something better to do with my time than stare at obese 15-year-olds.
To prove my point, here are the top 15 broadcast television shows, by Nielsen rating (adults 18-49 demo), during the week ending July 25, as published in Entertainment Weekly (rankings in parentheses). This is telling …
(1,3) America’s Got Talent: Orrrrrrrrr not. Maybe a select few. It’s amazing people stay up that late to vote for their favorites. I usually fall asleep somewhere around the 40-minute mark. The good news is The Hoff isn’t on it anymore.
(2) The Bachelorette: Slutty, desperate women; men seeking the limelight. Sounds more like Skinemax to me. Either the show should move to midnight, or “Sexual Response” and the like should begin at primetime.
(4) NCIS: Does anybody watch this show? Apparently they do. But I have 647 friends on Facebook and NOT A SINGLE ONE watches this show. Seriously, how is it popular? How has it been on so long? I can’t name a single person on it and have no idea what it’s about. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.
(5, 6) Wipeout: Brought to America by way of Japan. What else can I say about Asians: Smart as fuck, stupid as shit. They invent great stuff—TV shows, cars, electronic gadgets, etc.—and can never use anything they create correctly. G-d bless ’em. (On a positive note, MXC was awesome!)
(7) The Big Bang Theory: Nerds were funny in high school. You could laugh at the things they did, you could make fun of them for any number of reasons, you could pick on them. Now they’re just annoying. Why would I devote 22 minutes to them?
(8) 60 Minutes: What do Twinkies, cockroaches and Andy Rooney have in common? I’m certain they are the three things that will survive the Apocalypse. Rooney may not actually be on TV anymore. It may seem that way, but it may be a re-recording. Ever notice he’s always using words like “dungarees” and “valise” and railing about what Coolidge will do to halt inflation?
(9) Two and a Half Men: Actually a pretty raunchy and funny show, judging by the four times I’ve watched it. But I hate it due to the fact that little shit kid makes like $750K an episode.
(10) The Mentalist: "Baywatch" for women. How come every show that’s based around a hot girl, but is generally terrible, gets canceled immediately (think “Dollhouse”), yet crappy shows with good looking men can go on and on for years and years? Because there are a lot of lonely women out there … with massagers from The Sharper Image, thanks to Samantha Jones.
(11, 14) Big Brother 12: I know as much about this show as I do about fractal geometry.
(12) NCIS: Los Angeles: Wait, you mean there’s another one? And Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool J are in it? And you’re sure we’re not really referring to House Party VII? I’m confused.
(13) Hell’s Kitchen: If I wanted to listen to someone yelling at me for an hour I’d either hop in my DeLorean, go back to 1996, and wait for my parents to come home after Parent/Teacher conferences, or I’d just throw on some Sam Kinison. At least he was entertaining.
(15) Criminal Minds: (Hold while I look up what the hell this is … Keep holding … Ok, got it.) So what I’ve gleaned from their website is, The characters look pensive, deep in thought, trying to tap into the ‘mind’ of a killer. They wear bulletproof vests. And they interrogate—a lot. So it’s Oprah.
All I have to say is, Thank G-D for books. And Internet porn!
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