It’s the winter in New York. It’s bound to be cold, wouldn’t you suspect? Most mornings I put on my coat, grab a scarf and my messenger bag and head off to work.
My wife does the same thing, as I’m sure countless women do, again, considering it’s winter. In New York.
What amazes me is that women refuse to close their jackets properly. They’ll just stand there outside, holding their jacket together, refusing to either button it up or zipper it up. And then they bitch that they are cold. Well, ladies, I love you, but you’re retarded. It’s cold … because it’s WINTER IN NEW YORK! Quit shivering over there on the street corner and either button the coat or your mouth! Either way I'll become infinitely happier.
Showing posts with label New York. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New York. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Multi-tasking my ass!
If you rear-end someone while driving your car, it is automatically your fault. If you are walking on the street and walk directly into the person in front of you it is no longer your fault. Fuck them.
Why, you ask? Because of walking and texting! Oh, I cannot stand it, as I'm sure many of you can attest to the nuisance it is. Especially on a busy New York street. Especiallier during rush hour when you are heading to the subway and the sidewalks are incredibly crowded. Especially to the especially power when it's hot as fuck out and we're all sweating our nuts off. (Side comment: Touching anybody else's sweat is the grossest thing imaginable. I'd rather find Ron Jeremy's pube in my salad!)
Anyone who is texting while walking is clearly a self-centered piece of shit. They are clearly not concentrating on where they are going, or on the speed they are traveling, and they undoubtedly slow their pace so as to concentrate on their (most likely meaningless) text.
I generally have a short temper, and while I don't look like much physically, when I get angry I get a look in my eye that is fierce. I am also relentless and scream like a black woman whose wig got knocked off in church by her piss-ant nephew. And while you never know what kind of crazy person you are walking next to on a city block, I still find it acceptable to give a woman/gay man (the most guilty offenders) a quick piece of my mind as I walk directly into her/his-her texting-fat-ass, as is what just happened to me outside the Levi's store on Lexington (right across from Bloomingdale's). I mean she looked at me like I was the asshole, like I should have been the one looking where I'm going. Um, excuse me, lady, but next time you have a problem, fucking look up! How would you like it if your dentist was reading Maxim while filling your rotting Mexican teeth with copper? The next time your son is arrested, how would you like it if my public defender brother decides to accidentally skip your kid's arraignment and send me instead?
Thought so!
From now on, New Yorkers would be much happier if A) those Freedom Towers finally got built B) The summer Hamptons crowd stayed permanently in the Hamptons and C) some of our stimulus money went to this here.
Next time I walk into someone because they are texting, I will immediately throw my phone at their head while simultaneously holding up this picture, to one of the coolest—and most useful apps—I've seen in awhile:
Why, you ask? Because of walking and texting! Oh, I cannot stand it, as I'm sure many of you can attest to the nuisance it is. Especially on a busy New York street. Especiallier during rush hour when you are heading to the subway and the sidewalks are incredibly crowded. Especially to the especially power when it's hot as fuck out and we're all sweating our nuts off. (Side comment: Touching anybody else's sweat is the grossest thing imaginable. I'd rather find Ron Jeremy's pube in my salad!)
Anyone who is texting while walking is clearly a self-centered piece of shit. They are clearly not concentrating on where they are going, or on the speed they are traveling, and they undoubtedly slow their pace so as to concentrate on their (most likely meaningless) text.
I generally have a short temper, and while I don't look like much physically, when I get angry I get a look in my eye that is fierce. I am also relentless and scream like a black woman whose wig got knocked off in church by her piss-ant nephew. And while you never know what kind of crazy person you are walking next to on a city block, I still find it acceptable to give a woman/gay man (the most guilty offenders) a quick piece of my mind as I walk directly into her/his-her texting-fat-ass, as is what just happened to me outside the Levi's store on Lexington (right across from Bloomingdale's). I mean she looked at me like I was the asshole, like I should have been the one looking where I'm going. Um, excuse me, lady, but next time you have a problem, fucking look up! How would you like it if your dentist was reading Maxim while filling your rotting Mexican teeth with copper? The next time your son is arrested, how would you like it if my public defender brother decides to accidentally skip your kid's arraignment and send me instead?
Thought so!
From now on, New Yorkers would be much happier if A) those Freedom Towers finally got built B) The summer Hamptons crowd stayed permanently in the Hamptons and C) some of our stimulus money went to this here.
Next time I walk into someone because they are texting, I will immediately throw my phone at their head while simultaneously holding up this picture, to one of the coolest—and most useful apps—I've seen in awhile:
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Taking a hit on cool points
The DVR is the best invention of the past 10 years. I'm convinced. It changed my life. It makes decisions easy. Now, if someone calls me up at 4 p.m. and wants to get a drink after work I can easily say yes. I don't have to make an excuse as to why I can't, like, "I'm swamped at work," when in the past the real answer would be, "I really don't want to miss 'Temptation Island' on TV." And thank god for that.
The Bumper Bully is the worst invention of the last 10 years. I don't know what it is but lately I've been noticing an abundance of Bumper Bullies around. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's that ugly, black flap of rubber that hangs from people's trunks on the back of their cars.
First of all, what is it protecting? Your crappy-ass plastic bumper? Big wup. I live in New York City, where most people can't pull into or out of spots without using the 'touch' method. Little dings are a right of passage! But ok, you have a nice new Lexus and you park it on the street and you want to make sure you keep it clean. I get that. But why do you insist on driving around with the damn thing hanging off the back of your car? Can't you just put it back inside the trunk, where it rightfully belongs? It makes a nice car look ugly. And if it's on an ugly car then why are you bothering anyway? Your 1997 Corolla does not need a damn Bumper Bully!
Secondly, did anyone stop and think, Hey, what about the front of my car? How come some idiot only thought about inventing an ugly black flap for the back of a car? Is the front not at least equally important to protect? Trust me, Mrs. Shu can just as easily back her Honda Odyssey into the front of your car and ding your grill up. Personally, a dented grill would piss me off more than a scrape on my back bumper.
It's just a stupid, ugly contraption. I honestly don't get it.
The Bumper Bully is the worst invention of the last 10 years. I don't know what it is but lately I've been noticing an abundance of Bumper Bullies around. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's that ugly, black flap of rubber that hangs from people's trunks on the back of their cars.
First of all, what is it protecting? Your crappy-ass plastic bumper? Big wup. I live in New York City, where most people can't pull into or out of spots without using the 'touch' method. Little dings are a right of passage! But ok, you have a nice new Lexus and you park it on the street and you want to make sure you keep it clean. I get that. But why do you insist on driving around with the damn thing hanging off the back of your car? Can't you just put it back inside the trunk, where it rightfully belongs? It makes a nice car look ugly. And if it's on an ugly car then why are you bothering anyway? Your 1997 Corolla does not need a damn Bumper Bully!
Secondly, did anyone stop and think, Hey, what about the front of my car? How come some idiot only thought about inventing an ugly black flap for the back of a car? Is the front not at least equally important to protect? Trust me, Mrs. Shu can just as easily back her Honda Odyssey into the front of your car and ding your grill up. Personally, a dented grill would piss me off more than a scrape on my back bumper.
It's just a stupid, ugly contraption. I honestly don't get it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It's raining jerks and assholes
If you are on the street in New York and it is raining, I’m sorry but you do not need to use one of those 6-foot-in-circumference golf umbrellas!
Look, your pants can get wet a little, it ain’t gonna kill them. And if you’re so worried about them in the rain, well, then there’s a little something called The Weather Channel! It’s this wonderful service on TV or on the Internet that actually tries to predict the weather, with decent accuracy, too. If they say it’s gonna rain, hey, why don’t you not wear those pants that day!
Trying to bob and weave on a NYC street with umbrellas on a rainy day is hard enough without you walking around thinking you’re Steve Williams. C’mon, use one of those piece of shit little umbrellas that everyone else uses. Umbrellas don’t work anyway. We all know this. Using an umbrella is like a promiscuous teenager praying she ain’t pregnant--it never works anyway.
Look, your pants can get wet a little, it ain’t gonna kill them. And if you’re so worried about them in the rain, well, then there’s a little something called The Weather Channel! It’s this wonderful service on TV or on the Internet that actually tries to predict the weather, with decent accuracy, too. If they say it’s gonna rain, hey, why don’t you not wear those pants that day!
Trying to bob and weave on a NYC street with umbrellas on a rainy day is hard enough without you walking around thinking you’re Steve Williams. C’mon, use one of those piece of shit little umbrellas that everyone else uses. Umbrellas don’t work anyway. We all know this. Using an umbrella is like a promiscuous teenager praying she ain’t pregnant--it never works anyway.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Bright Lights, Big City ... and other places
Living in New York City I understand that I forfeited the right to sleep in actual darkness. However, modern technology is NOT really helping me in this department. Ever look around your room and notice that every single thing you have plugged in has an indicator light? It’s mind boggling. Are all those lights really necessary? If I still lived in a studio apartment I’d never get to sleep.
Right now, just looking around my living room, here is where I see indicator lights: each of my two computers, the monitor, my cable modem, my wireless Internet/VOIP phone router, my KVM switch, computer speakers, wireless mouse, mouse USB signal, printer, my telephone, my water cooler, my wine fridge, my television, my cable box, my DVD player and my Wii. And that’s literally just the lights I can see from the desk I am writing at right now. It’s like I live at the airport.
Right now, just looking around my living room, here is where I see indicator lights: each of my two computers, the monitor, my cable modem, my wireless Internet/VOIP phone router, my KVM switch, computer speakers, wireless mouse, mouse USB signal, printer, my telephone, my water cooler, my wine fridge, my television, my cable box, my DVD player and my Wii. And that’s literally just the lights I can see from the desk I am writing at right now. It’s like I live at the airport.
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