To Live and Die in N.Y.

I love Queens. It's the most ethnically diverse county in the entire world. I hate Queens. It's the most ethnically fucking diverse county in the whole damn world.

Here is the scene as I literally just witnessed it 10 minutes ago ...

I'm at a new grocery store down the block from my apartment. It's really nice, wide aisles, clerks that actually speak English. So I get on line and there is an older Asian woman who has just paid and is trying to give her address to the nice, mid-20s Indian cashier for delivery. The Asian woman is getting belligerent because she doesn't understand that the checkout lady just needs her name and address. She's increasingly raising her voice: Accou Numbah Heah!!! Address One-Oh-Faow Faow-eey Queen Boo-re-vahhhd! The checkout lady is like, Yes I know, I got that part; but what is your name?

ONE-OH-FAOW FAOW-EEY QUEEN BOOOO-RE-VAHHHHHDDDDD!!!

I mean seriously woman. It's a fucking delivery. Name, address, you're friggin done. How hard is that?! Aren't your people usually the ones DOING the delivery? I bet your son is the one on the damn bike with my dumplings. Come on now!

So at this point I try to give up and go to the other cashier (Taylor Swift's shorter, prettier twin, I swear), but here's where it gets interesting ...

An old lady in a wheelchair (probably Jewish) is being pushed by a nice, probably mid-40s Caribbean woman. Since I happen to be in the widest aisle, the Caribbean woman says, Excuse me, so she can get the lady in the wheelchair through and out the door.

Unfortunately Lil Miss Pearl Harbor wouldn't move. The old lady was tapping her and asking her gently to move. (I mean what's the alternative? It was nice of the old lady to ask as it was. Usually old ladies have less patience than Paula Abdul on meth and will just run your feet right over.) But then the Dragon Roll refused to move! She was yelling at the old lady: I not mooo-veen! I busy! You go roun!!! I mean, she was being ruder and bitchier than I thought possible. At this point I finally opened my mouth and was like, Listen lady, can't you friggin move over? Let the lady through already. What's wrong with you? She said, Wai Wai (wait wait, I figured), and still wasn't moving. So the old lady just tried her best to push General Tso out of the way and the Caribbean woman wheeled her by.

Man, I hope she got a piece of Po Flied Lice's damn toe on the way out the door.

Well, the Indian woman was still trying to get the information she needed from PF Chang after that, so I then headed over to Prettier Taylor Swift and we laughed about it. I said I hate people, but she was sweet; she was like, For every mean person there's always a nice person.

Ah, the young. So oblivious!