Fourteen Facebook Faux Pas

Mr. Griffith: I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought ... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?!

Olive Pendergast: He got a coke zero again? Oh, that Roman. Incorrigible!

This dialogue from the movie “Easy A” cracked me the hell up. My wife too. We were both rolling, because the truth is, 95.82% of the stuff on Facebook—that’s scientifically proven by yours truly—is absolute crap. It’s part of the reason why I hate Facebook as much as I like it. True, if it had not been for checking my mobile app at nearly 11 p.m. on a Sunday night this past spring, I probably wouldn’t have known the U.S. Navy Seals took out Osama bin Laden. So thank you, Facebook, for that. That is one of the great plusses of social media: overwhelming consumption and documentation by everyone 24/7.

But one of the worst things about social media is the … overwhelming consumption and documentation by everyone 24/7. I joined just shy of a year ago, really to keep up with former co-workers and whatnot, as I found myself jumping around in employment opportunities in this shitty economy. To network, basically, but more informally. And yea it’s good for seeing some pictures and getting random invites to events (though I have yet to accept even one). And sure I like to kibbitz about the odd movie or random event. But mostly I like to tease others for their retarded posting.

And there are mmmaannnyyyy examples of stupid-ass, waste-of-time, what-the-hell-were-you-thinking, who-cares posts. As such, behold, the Fourteen Facebook Faux Pas to avoid in the future:


14) Sports updates. If your team wins a championship, have at it. Go nuts. Share all your thoughts and congratulations to the world. Feel free to shit-talk at length. However, if the Yankees are playing Kansas City in July, I really don’t care if it’s 4-1 in the fourth. That’s what SportsCenter is for!

13) Don’t get fancy or cutesy with upside down writing or writing in other languages. I’m not spending the time deciphering that. Facebook should be quick and easy; I shouldn’t need a cipher key to figure out your postings.

12) Directions for profiles. Look, just because it’s Michael Jackson’s birthday does not mean I have to change my profile pic to the Thriller album cover. I don’t need to put a picture up of my father for Father’s Day. And I certainly do not have to put up a picture up of the Thundercats to celebrate Random Cartoon Day. My picture is my picture.

If putting up a picture of a pink ribbon would get some sponsor to donate X dollars to some charity per person who does this, then fine. Otherwise, mind yo bidness!!

11) Random thoughts and asinine comments need to be curtailed. When someone goes, “I hate traffic,” what are you really trying to prove? Yea, we get it, traffic sucks. Did you really feel the need to share that? If you blurted that out in public you’d just look like a crazy person … so why type it for everyone to see? It’s grounds for de-friending if you keep that shit up. And don’t even think about posing …

10) The not-qute-rhetorical question. Examples include: “What are you up to?” “What you doing?” “Who likes ice cream?”

This also goes for random statements: “I love turquoise.” “Springtime is the best.” “I want to see a movie today.” Thank you for that, Corky. A dur dur...

9) Nutbaggedness. Look, we all know the cardinal rules of conversation, whether at a party or with family or with total strangers: You don’t bring up religion or politics. No one ever agrees. Fifty percent of the time you piss someone off, the other half you are just patting someoene on the back for sounding as smart as you. Leave it all alone. Those “God is Great … I feel blessed today … Jesus lifts me up” crap has gots ta go. No one wants to be preached to. I can just ride a subway for that.

8) Keep your depressing, woe-is-me shit to yourself. If you are having a bad day, I get it, go ahead and vent. But do you really need to write things like, “Oh, life is terrible now, but it’s worth living. I just know it’ll get better soon.” Well fuck you for ruining my day! Go wash down a bottle of vicodin with some Jack and leave me the hell outta this sobfest! I’ll call the ambulance for you in about 45 minutes, but that’s about it. If your boyfriend dumped you, it sucks, but stop whining about how you’ll never get a ring. Look, you probably got fat and stopped giving him head anyway. No wonder he left. Go order Chinese and hook up with your black neighbor. Leave me out of it.

7) Fishing for sympathy. This one is similar to the above, except for the vagueness of the way it comes out. For instance, someone’ll write “Just took her to the doctor. The news isn’t good, but hopefully we caught it in time.” What the hell is that?! Look, you tossed out your line real shallow on that one but I ain’t taking the bait. She could have a friggin hangnail! Maybe your dog has a cold. I can’t tell. If your mom was really sick and needed a kidney or something, just friggin come right out and say it; what do you have to lose? You are posing statements like this because you want the sympathetic and worried comments they will bring on. And because you are asking for attention—which is more about YOU than your sick mother anyway! (Don’t worry about little Fifi. Yea she ate the mascara, but nothing a little diarrhea won’t cure.)

6) Endless pictures of your kids. It is nice to be able to share pictures of your children growing up with family, especially when family is so spread out such as mine is. But how interesting is it if you see a picture of your nephew coloring—every single day! Seriously, it’s just not.

And another thing: This new app that allows you to make pictures look like vintage photos of the 70’s? Ok, it was cool a few times, but it’s just getting boring. There’s a reason photo technology has progressed from 35mm film—cuz it sucked! Colors were washed out, the ink looked grainy. And that crappy white border was ridiculous. A few landscape shots are nice, a few good ones of little Levi are cute, but I don’t need to see ‘em every day.

And there are to be NO 70’s vintage shots of Levi potty training. Under no circumstances!

5) Random music videos. Who’s really stopping to watch these? Who really cares what you’re listening to at the moment? I’m sorry, but just because you got the urge to Youtube Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth,” doesn’t mean I’m going to ride that nostalgia train. Same goes for brand new shit. Look, Katy Perry is ubiquitous; if I wanted to hear her I’d just turn on 20on20 or Z100 or something. You don’t need to post her video to “Last Friday Night.” She has big boobs and no talent, that’s it. If she’s topless, by all means, post it. If she’s singing, I think I’d rather gargle with battery acid. Or force her to.

4) The language of the digital age. Abbreviations and acronyms kill me. LOL. Ok, laugh out loud. So then what does LOLOLOLOL mean? Laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud? I think the caps will suffice for emphasis, thankyouverymuch.

I can’t tell you how long it took me to figure out what the hell SMH meant. I had to ask a college kid. I can see abbreviating long words in the essence of saving characters (especially on Twitter), but on Facebook, just write the damn thing out. Is it too hard to write ‘love’ instead of ‘luv?’ Its ONE MORE LETTER! I’ve seen people write ‘bt’ instead of ‘but.’ No, not for ‘between,’ for ‘but.’ Really?

My children are going to be illiterate, I can feel it. Which hurts me, because I love reading and writing. It would be like if the Lopez/Anthony twins hate singing. Oh, and marry white people.

3) Checking in. Now this has got to stop. It’s just dangerous. Seriously, since when did we want to tell THE ENTIRE WORLD where we were going? For instance, what if I yelled out at work, “I am going to Ranch 1 now, then the ATM, and I may hit up Banana Republic on the way back.” Would anyone care? Nope, they’d be annoyed. Shall I announce that my risotto has a fly in it while at a restaurant? I think not.

If you post for the world to see that you are at Tony’s DiNapoli, then I can only assume you are out with friends or family and you will be gone, stuffing yourself with mediocre family-style Italian food, for a good several hours. Looks like an invitation to rob your ass, if you ask me! If I study your Facebook page long enough, I’d probably know if you had a roommate, live with a dog, and what kind of stuff you like to shop for. That’s Robber Christmas in my book.

If your Breitling goes missing, though, it wasn’t me; it was your Dominican neighbor downstairs, I swear.

2) These games have just got to go. Café World? Mafia Wars? Farmville? What the hell is Farmville?! I couldn’t care less. These games are mostly played by middle-aged fat women who have kids instead of dogs and who don’t like their husbands very much. It’s an excuse to avoid conversation with them completely. Yet it clogs up my friggin’ wall to no end. And as such I have taken to hiding all posts from people who play these sorts of games.

Remember SAT analogies? To me …

Facebook : Games as Fat Loser : Player

1) Potty Training. This is NOT a milestone people care about. It ain’t walking, it ain’t talking. And it certainly ain’t cute. You can CALL the damn grandparents and tell them little Morgan went on the potty. The general public DOES NOT need to know this.

Let alone see the visual evidence! My god! How is that any less disgusting than the Jackass guys shitting in a detached toilet in a Home Depot? It isn’t.
Little Morgan gets three drips in the toilet and 12 all over the People magazine on the floor—and that’s video-worthy? No. It. Is. Not. Keep that shit private, nobody wants to see it.

Random Thoughts: Volume V

1) We are all fat Americans. I know this better than most, as I have been permanently retaining my ‘holiday weight’ for, oh, about five years now. But have you ever noticed that portions everywhere have been getting bigger and bigger, and even less and less expensive? That helps. Just witness all those commercials on TV for Friday’s, Chili’s, Applebee’s, etc. Come on down to Bennigan’s for a SEVEN-COURSE MEAL for TWO, for only $9.99! Everywhere, that is, except the movies. I’m sorry but my box of Junior Mints, which includes a grand total of 12, is now like $5! True, a medium soda is like 44-ounces, but it’s also like $6! From now on I’m skipping the Milk Duds and bringing in a bucket of KFC; with a coupon I can get a 12-piece for $4.99. Say it loud, I’m fat and I’m proud!

1a) And you know what? Thanks for putting those calorie counts on menus now. Yea, they’re a deterrent. I appreciate the reminder that I’m a fat ass when I go to Ranch-1. You know what? Sometimes you just want some friggin Ranch-1!!!

2) Do convenience stores really need signs on them that say, “We Sell Beer,” “We Sell Cigarettes.” Really? You don’t say?! It’s not like I went in there for some alfalfa sprouts and nice guest towels.

3) This has irked me for years now: I absolutely CANNOT STAND the tourists that come to New York City, go down to Ground Zero, and stand in front of that pit, smile arm-in-arm, and take a picture. I’m sorry, but this ain’t Six Flags motherfucker! You ain’t standing in front of the churro stand! It’s like the Vatican. Go down there, take a look, soak it all in, and leave with your memories. You don’t need a picture for posterity of Uncle Bob standing in front of that fuzzy green fence with a crane in the background. Have some respect!

4) I’ve mentioned this before, but style just irks me. You gotta wear what’s flattering on you, not what’s hot at the moment. Slim Fit pants for overweight women? Are you kidding me? No one would want to see my ass dressed like Russell Brand, trust me. If your size reaches double digits--if you're shopping in Lane Bryant--that should be a clue that Slim Fit just ain't for ya, honey. I’m not saying the bigger ladies gotta cover themselves in mumus (actually I secretly am), but be real. Slim fit ain’t for you, honey, just like the media spotlight ain’t for Christine O’Donnell.

5) These ads for pharmaceuticals have passed the point of sanity. I don’t need 90 seconds of information on Vagisil. The last 30 seconds alone on the side effects are enough to make me stop eating my dinner. And how about that name—Vagisil? Vagisil? Who came up with that? Let’s just call it what it really is: Vagina Fungus Fixer. What the hell kinda woman is gonna go to her doctor and be like, “Yea my cooter is itching sooo bad. Gotta get me some Vagisil!” Couldn’t they have named it like Comfortex or some neutral shit like that? I mean if simple red nail polish can be called “Day at the Beach” then someone coulda come up with a better name for Vagisil. Fire that marketer immediately.

6) Isn’t Country Fried Chicken Salad the biggest oxymoron on a menu? Get a salad if you’re in a light mood, fried chicken if you want crap. It’s like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke. Like going to a baseball game but just staying at the bar. Makes no sense.

7) Wanna witness one of the most unique places on earth? Spend some time in a vet’s waiting room. Wow! Interesting people, petowners. There’s the single guy with the overweight Pug, who surprisingly look alike. There’s the crazy cat lady who reads The New York Times to Bootsie. There’s the guy who is 5’3” with the two enormous, killer pit bulls (obviously compensating for something). There’s the old lady, probably widowed, who dresses her Maltese in a Burberry sweater—that matches her’s. Yet they can all wax poetic on the daily routines of their animals. Highly recommended people-watching destination, trust me.

8) What the heck is a ‘whole grain?’ It is on the packaging of EVERY consumer product now. Does anybody have any idea what it is? Are there half grains? I’m supposed to think Chocolate Frosted Cookie Crisp is good for kids because they have 2 grams of whole grains? Kiss my ass. It’s cookie cereal! It ain’t Shredded Wheat. How could it possibly be for good you? Here, try my chocolate-caramel-M&M-covered rice cake. Your kids’ll love it. Half the calories of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s! And with 4 grams of whole grain! Yea, and Lindsay Lohan was sober the whole time.

9) It is official that subway riding sucks. It’s as comfortable as watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents. But you try to get off a crowded subway carefully. You try not to push anybody or step on anyone’s feet. You say excuse me repeatedly. Nobody moves. Fuckin’ iPods. Fuckin’ Kindles. Nobody hears you, no one even sees you! From now on I’m shoving ass and taking toes!