Random Thoughts: Vol. 2

1) Doorbells are obsolete now. At least for your friends waiting in the car for your slow ass or for guys wanting to pick up their dates while conveniently avoiding their girlfriends' fathers. You just pull into the driveway, or to the front of the house, and send a text that says, “I’m outside.” Done and done. No more need to even honk and annoy the neighbors.

2) Have you ever noticed that car dealerships are perpetually having sales? Come on down! We’ve got great deals on Corollas, Camrys, RAV-4s all for National Secretaries Day! … There’s no time like today to get yourself in a brand new Santa Fe for Arbor Day! And if you act now, we’ll plant a tree, in your name, in the rainforest!

3) It is the middle of January. It’s frickin’ freezing all across this country. So tell me, why are all retailers now selling Spring clothes? Especially while they’re all struggling in this economy? You don’t think it would be prudent of the Gap to lay out a few extra wool sweaters or maybe some thermals? Pisses me off!

4) If I order a, say, the Works pizza from California Pizza Kitchen (Sweet Italian sausage, pepperoni, sautéed mushrooms, Mozzarella cheese, mild onions, green peppers, black olives and tomato sauce), it would cost me around $12. If I added, say, bacon to my pie it would cost me, say, $15. So if I want the Works, say, sans mushrooms and olives, why the hell don’t they charge me less? That’s bullshit!

5) Call me a traditionalist, but I really can't stand this new trend of waspy ass, cheesy ass names for babies. Harper, Madison, Presley, Logan, Jordyn, Cort ... elementary school classrooms will shortly sound like law firms.

Change of philosophy is needed

I would like to bitch at the way cashiers give you your change back. And this goes for every cashier—from Starbucks, to Duane Reade to The Gap. Why do they INSIST on putting the bills in your hand first and then the change? Maybe it’s just me but once they fill my cupped hand with bills and then spill the coins right on top of the bills—with the dexterity Elin wielding that golf club, I might add—all the coins do is slip down the damn bills and wind up on the fucking floor! It’s friggin annoying! Just put the change in my bare hand first so I can grab the bills between my fingers. It’s not that hard, people!

And another thing: If my bill is like $11.03, and I hand you a $20, can’t you just give me back $9. I mean fuck the three cents, ya know? Now, I gotta wait for your dumb ass to figure out how to make 97 cents? C’mon. No!