Ever have one of those mornings? Just one of those mornings when everything goes wrong? Maybe you ran out of milk for your cocoa puffs. Maybe the dog pissed on the carpet again. Maybe you accidentally broke that ugly vase your wife loves. One of those things by themselves wouldn’t bother you too much, or throw you too much off your morning routine, but when one disaster snowballs after another it just fucks up your day. You can’t recover. Maybe you’ve been up for 26 minutes but you know the rest of your day is just fucked.
So be it.
Maybe you got up, showered, shaved. But you cut yourself. It won’t stop bleeding and you get blood on three of your wife beaters. Fuck. Then, suddenly, last night’s dinner isn’t sitting so well. You are showered, dressed, got the tie all perfect, but guess what? You gotta take a shit. Fuck! (Nothing is worse than that. You feel dirty for the rest of the day, no matter how many times you baby wipe.) Now you’re in a rush so you run to the kitchen to grab a granola bar as you head out the door but you kick over the cat’s food bowl and water dish. It’s all over the damn place. Now you have to stop rushing and clean up the cat’s stuff. God dammit!! Fuck shit fuck!! Nothing goes right. I hate those mornings.
Your day doesn’t ever get any better from then on, does it? You are destined to hate every one and every thing that comes in your path. And is there anything worse when you’re already revved up than people? God I hate people. Stupid, annoying people. I hate how they don’t hold the elevator for you, or how they have absolutely no idea that you're walking behind them on the sidewalk desperately trying to walk around them. But worst of all, what might throw your or me or anybody over the edge, is the damn conversations; the small talk.
Why is everyone so BORING?!?!? You get on the elevator at work—and you probably see the same exact faces at the same exact time every day—and inevitably that older woman brings up the weather. Every day! It’s supposed to be 46 today. But it looks like rain this weekend. Gee, thanks lady, yea, I watched "Good Day New York" too. Or maybe the elevator is stopping at every floor. What does someone inevitably say? Must be a local. Aaaaaaaaaah! Then there’s always that 23-year-old, just-outta-college-this-is-her-first-job girl who talks to other 23-year-old just-outta-college girl and what does she say? I’m sooooo tired! Honestly, shut the fuck up. You left at 5:30 p.m. yesterday, immediately went out after work with your other annoying girlfriends, drank too many fruity drinks in a tall glass and stayed up too late. Of course you’re tired. Or, maybe it’s just the fact that it’s 8:30 in the morning! You're yawning already, you haven’t had coffee yet. You. Are. Not. Helping!
It never ends. You get to the office and the fat guy asks you if you saw the Knicks game last night. Of course not; you haven’t watched a Knicks game on TV since 2001. Then the boss’s secretary, who is usually a sweetheart, wants to talk about American Idol. Look, they all suck this year, just admit it. You still haven’t gotten to your desk yet when a colleague tells you some bad news which you know will keep you at work later than you had planned. And what does he say, after delivering this news? It is what it is.
Here’s what it is: I cannot stand people. I really should live on an island somewhere.
Hey, by the way, did you see "Lost" last night?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Next time they fall off, leave 'em off!
I thought I was going to be fairly unique with this kvetch. Then I realized even Joan Rivers is more current than me. So I proceeded to stab myself in the eyeball before I continued.
Anyhoo, I'm pretty much tired of seeing "thug niggas" walking around with their pants halfway down their asses. I realize I sound like a grandparent (hence the Joan Rivers comment), but honestly they are now proven right. My grandparents died over 10 years ago and they laughed at it then. Tupac died nearly 14 years ago! He is credited with starting the look, based on his jail attire. Inmates can't wear belts in jail, so they got the best size pants they could, and if they fell down, so be it. Tupac got into this habit and brought it into our lives when he got out. I guess that was part of his street cred. (Like getting shot four times wasn't enough?!)
Well if I were still wearing Skidz or Big John jeans I'd be ridiculed like Gary Coleman. Whatchu talkin' about HLS? Style grows, it moves on. GQ realizes this; in its latest issue they praise Andre Benjamin and Pharrell Williams for their looks, while Joan Rivers utterly mocked T-Pain for his outfit at the Grammys. Even Joan Rivers said enough is enough! She's 117 years old. And at least eight of her faces have been subjected to this crap-ass (pardon the pun) style, which I say we first started seeing around 1992.
Look, if the throwback jersey can go, if Lebron James and Jay-Z can dress fly and grown-up at the same time, so can everybody else.
If anybody's out there, reading this at their desks while dressed like Eminem, just try and picture my 5'9", 220lb. ass in Umbros. And you'll get what I'm bitching about!
Anyhoo, I'm pretty much tired of seeing "thug niggas" walking around with their pants halfway down their asses. I realize I sound like a grandparent (hence the Joan Rivers comment), but honestly they are now proven right. My grandparents died over 10 years ago and they laughed at it then. Tupac died nearly 14 years ago! He is credited with starting the look, based on his jail attire. Inmates can't wear belts in jail, so they got the best size pants they could, and if they fell down, so be it. Tupac got into this habit and brought it into our lives when he got out. I guess that was part of his street cred. (Like getting shot four times wasn't enough?!)
Well if I were still wearing Skidz or Big John jeans I'd be ridiculed like Gary Coleman. Whatchu talkin' about HLS? Style grows, it moves on. GQ realizes this; in its latest issue they praise Andre Benjamin and Pharrell Williams for their looks, while Joan Rivers utterly mocked T-Pain for his outfit at the Grammys. Even Joan Rivers said enough is enough! She's 117 years old. And at least eight of her faces have been subjected to this crap-ass (pardon the pun) style, which I say we first started seeing around 1992.
Look, if the throwback jersey can go, if Lebron James and Jay-Z can dress fly and grown-up at the same time, so can everybody else.
If anybody's out there, reading this at their desks while dressed like Eminem, just try and picture my 5'9", 220lb. ass in Umbros. And you'll get what I'm bitching about!
Time to take (trans)action!
I haven't posted in now what amounts to nearly a month. For that I apologize. For the record, the last two weeks I've spent in Houston (with my flight being cancelled twice because of Eastern weather) with my nieces and nephews jumping on me every chance they got. I needed rest from them waking me up at the buttcrack, and lacked the time to blog.
Our daily lives are based upon convenience now. Debit cards, drive-through ATMs, WiFi everywhere ... so why is the receipt holding us back? In this age of environmental consciousness, do we really need to even be printing receipts anymore? Isn't that counterintuitive? Isn't that what bar codes were invented for, or why we have advanced computer systems with inventory tracking metrics? Shoot, businesses know everything about consumers now. They know how much our average shopping ticket is, what particular items we like to buy on a regular basis, even how many kids we have. It's mind boggling. Yet we're still printing out a piece of paper telling us what we bought. Hmm.
I ran across the street from my apartment to Rite Aid the other day. I bought five items. My receipt was 14.25 inches long. Over a foot long! To list five friggin' items! I'm not going to even mention the things that were on there; but suffice it to say that piece of paper went directly into the garbage. What a waste. Forgive me, but if I really needed to return my mini hand sanitizer, couldn't the cashier have simply scanned the bar code and seen that I purchased my Purell on X date and Y time? Honestly, by the time she found the product on that laundry list of a receipt, NFL players will have stopped beating up their girls. And who wants that, ya know?
I recycle, I try to take reusable bags with me when I go shopping, I try not cook more than is needed so as to not waste food, and yet Blockbuster is fucking me up! I know most of you use NetFlix by now, but have you been in a Blockbuster recently? Checkout takes 30 seconds, but then I have to wait two minutes for three ridiculous receipts to print out. Waste, waste, waste. Annoying, annoying, annoying.
It's time to make printed receipts like a "Dancing with the Stars" cast--irrelevant.
Our daily lives are based upon convenience now. Debit cards, drive-through ATMs, WiFi everywhere ... so why is the receipt holding us back? In this age of environmental consciousness, do we really need to even be printing receipts anymore? Isn't that counterintuitive? Isn't that what bar codes were invented for, or why we have advanced computer systems with inventory tracking metrics? Shoot, businesses know everything about consumers now. They know how much our average shopping ticket is, what particular items we like to buy on a regular basis, even how many kids we have. It's mind boggling. Yet we're still printing out a piece of paper telling us what we bought. Hmm.
I ran across the street from my apartment to Rite Aid the other day. I bought five items. My receipt was 14.25 inches long. Over a foot long! To list five friggin' items! I'm not going to even mention the things that were on there; but suffice it to say that piece of paper went directly into the garbage. What a waste. Forgive me, but if I really needed to return my mini hand sanitizer, couldn't the cashier have simply scanned the bar code and seen that I purchased my Purell on X date and Y time? Honestly, by the time she found the product on that laundry list of a receipt, NFL players will have stopped beating up their girls. And who wants that, ya know?
I recycle, I try to take reusable bags with me when I go shopping, I try not cook more than is needed so as to not waste food, and yet Blockbuster is fucking me up! I know most of you use NetFlix by now, but have you been in a Blockbuster recently? Checkout takes 30 seconds, but then I have to wait two minutes for three ridiculous receipts to print out. Waste, waste, waste. Annoying, annoying, annoying.
It's time to make printed receipts like a "Dancing with the Stars" cast--irrelevant.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Random Thoughts: Vol. 2
1) Doorbells are obsolete now. At least for your friends waiting in the car for your slow ass or for guys wanting to pick up their dates while conveniently avoiding their girlfriends' fathers. You just pull into the driveway, or to the front of the house, and send a text that says, “I’m outside.” Done and done. No more need to even honk and annoy the neighbors.
2) Have you ever noticed that car dealerships are perpetually having sales? Come on down! We’ve got great deals on Corollas, Camrys, RAV-4s all for National Secretaries Day! … There’s no time like today to get yourself in a brand new Santa Fe for Arbor Day! And if you act now, we’ll plant a tree, in your name, in the rainforest!
3) It is the middle of January. It’s frickin’ freezing all across this country. So tell me, why are all retailers now selling Spring clothes? Especially while they’re all struggling in this economy? You don’t think it would be prudent of the Gap to lay out a few extra wool sweaters or maybe some thermals? Pisses me off!
4) If I order a, say, the Works pizza from California Pizza Kitchen (Sweet Italian sausage, pepperoni, sautéed mushrooms, Mozzarella cheese, mild onions, green peppers, black olives and tomato sauce), it would cost me around $12. If I added, say, bacon to my pie it would cost me, say, $15. So if I want the Works, say, sans mushrooms and olives, why the hell don’t they charge me less? That’s bullshit!
5) Call me a traditionalist, but I really can't stand this new trend of waspy ass, cheesy ass names for babies. Harper, Madison, Presley, Logan, Jordyn, Cort ... elementary school classrooms will shortly sound like law firms.
2) Have you ever noticed that car dealerships are perpetually having sales? Come on down! We’ve got great deals on Corollas, Camrys, RAV-4s all for National Secretaries Day! … There’s no time like today to get yourself in a brand new Santa Fe for Arbor Day! And if you act now, we’ll plant a tree, in your name, in the rainforest!
3) It is the middle of January. It’s frickin’ freezing all across this country. So tell me, why are all retailers now selling Spring clothes? Especially while they’re all struggling in this economy? You don’t think it would be prudent of the Gap to lay out a few extra wool sweaters or maybe some thermals? Pisses me off!
4) If I order a, say, the Works pizza from California Pizza Kitchen (Sweet Italian sausage, pepperoni, sautéed mushrooms, Mozzarella cheese, mild onions, green peppers, black olives and tomato sauce), it would cost me around $12. If I added, say, bacon to my pie it would cost me, say, $15. So if I want the Works, say, sans mushrooms and olives, why the hell don’t they charge me less? That’s bullshit!
5) Call me a traditionalist, but I really can't stand this new trend of waspy ass, cheesy ass names for babies. Harper, Madison, Presley, Logan, Jordyn, Cort ... elementary school classrooms will shortly sound like law firms.
Friday, January 8, 2010
I'm fat. What kind of handouts do I get?
“Expectant Mother Parking” is kind of a farce. Now, I’m not knocking pregnant women; they obviously deserve a decent amount of slack. But can we get a little more specific on what expectant entails? If you have been pregnant for three weeks, I really don’t think you need to park 10 feet from the Loehmann’s. I want to see some, fat, waddling, about-to-pop woman walking out of that spot. At least be showing!
It’s the word expectant that throws me all off. My wife and I will probably have children in the next two to three years. We’re ‘expecting’ to. So does that mean she gets to park there? After all, she IS expecting ... at some point. Uh, no!
It’s like going into a bank and asking for a mortgage. They ask you what you make and what your wife makes. Can I say, “Well, I make $60K/yr now, but I expect to make $1.6 million next year? So how ‘bout that $10 million loan now, huh?” Isn’t this exactly what caused the tech bubble to blow? Expectant had better mean something.
It’s the word expectant that throws me all off. My wife and I will probably have children in the next two to three years. We’re ‘expecting’ to. So does that mean she gets to park there? After all, she IS expecting ... at some point. Uh, no!
It’s like going into a bank and asking for a mortgage. They ask you what you make and what your wife makes. Can I say, “Well, I make $60K/yr now, but I expect to make $1.6 million next year? So how ‘bout that $10 million loan now, huh?” Isn’t this exactly what caused the tech bubble to blow? Expectant had better mean something.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
In like Flynt, out like trout
Ah, the holidays. A time for family and exchanging presents and eating good food.
And it's also a time for family arguments, aggravating travel and being hung over from not only alcohol but the good food, too.
You know that when it hits November you start to think about when you can take off work. For me it's always been hard because on my small staff everyone wants to take off at the same time, but you just can't do that in a newsroom. But most people are cool and we work it out with each other. The worst part is trying to figure out just how many days off you have left.
I use the term "days off" specifically. To me, if you're out of work, youre out of work. Doesn't matter if you're in Barbados, if you have the swine flu or if it's Yom Kippur. If you're out you're out. Not to my company.
Our HR department gives you "vacation days," "floating holidays" (whatever the fuck that means) and (unwritten but accepted) "sick days." Vacation days you can bank, floating holidays you can't and sick days are luck of the draw. It's horrendously confusing, and makes absolutely no sense to me. You call HR and want to take five days off during Christmas/New Years and they tell you, "Well you only have two vacation days and one floating holidays left." Well that's great; I'm taking off anyway! The stupid way this system is set up means that for me to take off for the five days, I'm taking my two vacation days, one floating holiday and then rounding off my vacation with two sick days. I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.
A day off is a day off. Why the hell can't an HR department just tell every employee you get, say, 14 days off for vacation, total, and we'll cut you some slack if you're sick. Or, even simpler: you get 21 days off a year; use them at your disposal. It's just too confusing to figure all of this out, especially in an environment where nobody punches a clock and staff ROUTINELY works 50 and 60 hours a week. We deserve our days off. I don't care if you call them Going-to-Vegas-to-get-a-Hooker days.
And it's also a time for family arguments, aggravating travel and being hung over from not only alcohol but the good food, too.
You know that when it hits November you start to think about when you can take off work. For me it's always been hard because on my small staff everyone wants to take off at the same time, but you just can't do that in a newsroom. But most people are cool and we work it out with each other. The worst part is trying to figure out just how many days off you have left.
I use the term "days off" specifically. To me, if you're out of work, youre out of work. Doesn't matter if you're in Barbados, if you have the swine flu or if it's Yom Kippur. If you're out you're out. Not to my company.
Our HR department gives you "vacation days," "floating holidays" (whatever the fuck that means) and (unwritten but accepted) "sick days." Vacation days you can bank, floating holidays you can't and sick days are luck of the draw. It's horrendously confusing, and makes absolutely no sense to me. You call HR and want to take five days off during Christmas/New Years and they tell you, "Well you only have two vacation days and one floating holidays left." Well that's great; I'm taking off anyway! The stupid way this system is set up means that for me to take off for the five days, I'm taking my two vacation days, one floating holiday and then rounding off my vacation with two sick days. I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.
A day off is a day off. Why the hell can't an HR department just tell every employee you get, say, 14 days off for vacation, total, and we'll cut you some slack if you're sick. Or, even simpler: you get 21 days off a year; use them at your disposal. It's just too confusing to figure all of this out, especially in an environment where nobody punches a clock and staff ROUTINELY works 50 and 60 hours a week. We deserve our days off. I don't care if you call them Going-to-Vegas-to-get-a-Hooker days.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Taking a hit on cool points
The DVR is the best invention of the past 10 years. I'm convinced. It changed my life. It makes decisions easy. Now, if someone calls me up at 4 p.m. and wants to get a drink after work I can easily say yes. I don't have to make an excuse as to why I can't, like, "I'm swamped at work," when in the past the real answer would be, "I really don't want to miss 'Temptation Island' on TV." And thank god for that.
The Bumper Bully is the worst invention of the last 10 years. I don't know what it is but lately I've been noticing an abundance of Bumper Bullies around. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's that ugly, black flap of rubber that hangs from people's trunks on the back of their cars.
First of all, what is it protecting? Your crappy-ass plastic bumper? Big wup. I live in New York City, where most people can't pull into or out of spots without using the 'touch' method. Little dings are a right of passage! But ok, you have a nice new Lexus and you park it on the street and you want to make sure you keep it clean. I get that. But why do you insist on driving around with the damn thing hanging off the back of your car? Can't you just put it back inside the trunk, where it rightfully belongs? It makes a nice car look ugly. And if it's on an ugly car then why are you bothering anyway? Your 1997 Corolla does not need a damn Bumper Bully!
Secondly, did anyone stop and think, Hey, what about the front of my car? How come some idiot only thought about inventing an ugly black flap for the back of a car? Is the front not at least equally important to protect? Trust me, Mrs. Shu can just as easily back her Honda Odyssey into the front of your car and ding your grill up. Personally, a dented grill would piss me off more than a scrape on my back bumper.
It's just a stupid, ugly contraption. I honestly don't get it.
The Bumper Bully is the worst invention of the last 10 years. I don't know what it is but lately I've been noticing an abundance of Bumper Bullies around. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's that ugly, black flap of rubber that hangs from people's trunks on the back of their cars.
First of all, what is it protecting? Your crappy-ass plastic bumper? Big wup. I live in New York City, where most people can't pull into or out of spots without using the 'touch' method. Little dings are a right of passage! But ok, you have a nice new Lexus and you park it on the street and you want to make sure you keep it clean. I get that. But why do you insist on driving around with the damn thing hanging off the back of your car? Can't you just put it back inside the trunk, where it rightfully belongs? It makes a nice car look ugly. And if it's on an ugly car then why are you bothering anyway? Your 1997 Corolla does not need a damn Bumper Bully!
Secondly, did anyone stop and think, Hey, what about the front of my car? How come some idiot only thought about inventing an ugly black flap for the back of a car? Is the front not at least equally important to protect? Trust me, Mrs. Shu can just as easily back her Honda Odyssey into the front of your car and ding your grill up. Personally, a dented grill would piss me off more than a scrape on my back bumper.
It's just a stupid, ugly contraption. I honestly don't get it.
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